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Oatmeal Is Tearing Us Apart

Civil war has broken out because some people like oatmeal and some other people are wrong.

Crosbie, Rafi, Sam and Paul and our Discord chat on the Discourse Blog Twitch stream talking about oatmeal, our screen split apart by a glowing bowl of oatmeal, with a purple textured background
Screenshot via discourseblog/Twitch; Photo via TheCulinaryGeek/Flickr; Remix by Samantha Grasso

I have never regretted starting an independent, worker-owned publication with seven of my coworkers. So far it’s gone tremendously well! We have a community of people who support and actively engage with us, and we just launched this beautiful website.

At least, I had no regrets until last night, when a troubling conflict arose between myself and three of my colleagues. Now, I’m questioning everything.

The subject of this fight? Oatmeal.

I enjoy oatmeal. I really do, because it’s a filling breakfast you can’t really fuck up. You boil it on the stove, let it sit, scoop it into your bowl, sprinkle some brown sugar over it, and voilà. You have yourself a cheap, easy meal. Some folks like their oatmeal savory, which I gladly embrace and encourage. To each their own, oatmeal for us all.

Over the past few days, however, some members of the Discourse Blog squad have revealed themselves to be anti-oatmeal. Not just neutral, or “oatmeal for thee, but not for me,” but completely slanderous of oatmeal (as well as its brother in grains, pasta).

This schism within the Discourse Blog staff further manifested during our Thursday night town hall on Twitch, during which I was told by three people I had previously admired and trusted that oatmeal is “pretty bad” and takes “fourteen” steps to make (patently false), and that, somehow, making eggs for breakfast was easier. Do you not use salt, or pepper, or even cheese, in your egg-making processes, sirs? Have you no seasoning?

To make matters worse, my pro-oatmeal comrades, staff and readers alike, had been banished to our (subscriber-only) Discord chat, and though they cheered me on from the sidelines, they were unable to verbally counter these bad faith attacks. I was alone, but strong I remained. I have always prided myself for speaking up for those relegated to the margins of society, and last night’s town hall was no exception.

I am shaken. But I’m not ready to give up. The anti-oatmeal establishment backed by Big Egg must be brought to heel.

Perhaps my anti-oatmeal colleagues are simply stuck in the instant oats of yesterday. Please, Discourse Blog community, tell us where you stand on the oatmeal fight. Give us your opinions, your recipes, and hell, I’d be a hypocrite if I wasn’t willing to engage with your alternatives. Help me, and show my colleagues that a better world is possible.