We are now in the ninth month of the coronavirus pandemic, which I had to count out on my fingers because it honestly seems like life has been this way for years. When I watch TV shows now and people are doing normal life stuff like going to parties and bars and not wearing masks in the street it all seems vaguely surreal, and I get that low-level hum in the back of my brain that you get when you see an image of something unclean. Don’t they know they should be wearing masks?? Aren’t they worried about catching it? Bear in mind that these are TV characters on shows that take place and were filmed in a different world than the one we live in now.
After so many months of doing this your brain starts to do some strange things to cope. Like I saw the news about the Pfizer vaccine yesterday and for a few seconds I was like “great well that’s that sorted then, when can I get it.” I also have a weird faith that once Joe Biden takes office shit will start improving rapidly vis a vis the whole global pandemic and that by next summer I’ll get to go to a dive bar again and eat popcorn out of a big machine that hasn’t been cleaned in months and not worry about washing my hands all night. Not that I did that regularly before all this because that’d be gross haha.
I say all this to explain that I know where the following posts are coming from and I understand why they were posted, but also that there are levels to this. It is possible to have even dumber takes on the end of the pandemic than mine.
The answer to the “how possible is it” is “uh… not very possible.” What? If Gwyneth Paltrow joined in on a state-sponsored vaccine promotion tour it would almost entirely destroy her brand which is largely harmless but also based in pseudoscience that flirts with the edges of the anti-vax movement and relies on exploiting that “sorta woo-woo but not fully Plandemic” gray area to make a ton of money. A coronavirus page on Goop features a few useful interviews with actual scientists and then a whole bunch of “tips to boost your immune system.” Thanks, I guess?
And Joe… Rogan?? Kimberly Guilfoyle?? What the fuck man. What… like. What planet are you living on. Joe Rogan just had Alex Jones back on his show to hang out. He also does not give any shit about using his platform to help anything. He just does it because he knows he has created a personal brand that is completely intoxicating to “men 16 to 45” and is going to continue to make money off of reinforcing that age group’s inherent idiocy for the rest of his life.
I’m not going to say anything about Kimberly Guilfoyle other than she is currently dating Don Jr. and also used to be married to California governor and probable future presidential candidate Gavin Newsom. I think her only use at this point to the greater good of American electoral politics is as a giant red flag for any voters considering electing Gavin Newsom to higher office.
Anyway, let’s move on to possibly the dumbest take I saw about this all day:
The level of pure fantasy we’re operating at is just staggering. This goes way beyond the West Wing fanfic the Lincoln Project is making money off of and veers right into full-on derangedposting. Trump is NEVER going to do ANYTHING that would help Biden in any way. Also… total immunity for SDNY investigations? What are you talking about? The cops approach him with like “yeah bro we’ll stop investigating your massive career of fraud and also fraud if you just go on the BidenBus and say ‘vaccines, you’re hearing more and more about them, frankly I think we have the best vaccines, also Joe Biden is the legitimate president'”?
Again, I get it. I have had some truly, truly stupid thoughts during this period of national crisis, social isolation, and existential fear. I can’t find any examples right now but I know I’ve had them. But nothing, not even my controversial take on oatmeal, has been as stupid as expecting some weird consortium of already conspiracy-friendly celebs to suddenly hop aboard the Responsibility Express in order to like, do PR for a vaccine that could end the worst global health crisis in the modern era. We’re going to have to get through this one like every other potentially world-ending crisis: slowly, reluctantly, inefficiently, and by the skin of our teeth. If we come out the other side it probably won’t be due to the efforts of Gavin Newsom’s ex-wife.