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Animals

Who Did The Dog Bite?

Who? Who who who-who?

President Joe Biden poses with the Biden family dogs Champ and Major Tuesday, Feb. 9, 2021, in the Oval Office of the White House. (Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz)
Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz

With all due respect to Paul, Discourse Blog’s resident Delawarean, I can think of few punishments worse than being removed from the lap of federal luxury, and shipped off to Delaware — Delaware! — to live out the rest of your life in ignominious shame as a “very bad boy.” What a bummer. A Major bummer if you will. Ha ha ha (did I mention I was talking about President Joe Biden’s dog Major? No. Oh well, I am.)

Major, the younger of Biden’s two German Shepherds, has been sent back to the president’s home in the Wilmington burbs, after a “biting incident” in the White House punctuated what has reportedly been months of aggressive behavior “including jumping, barking, and ‘charging’ at staff and security,” administration officials told CNN this week. This is extremely funny, not simply because I’m picturing a large, overly-enthusiastic police dog shedding all over the Lincoln Bedroom, and taking massive dumps in the Jacqueline Kennedy Garden while Secret Service agents cower in terror behind a rose bush or something, but also because it means someone at CNN had to call their well-placed White House sources and ask in a very serious tone of voice “has Major been a good boy or a bad boy?”

But I digress.

Despite Dr. Jill Biden’s insistence that Major is a “really good” dog who, along with the elderly, and by all indications extremely docile Champ, “really don’t have any rules,” we know that someone in the White House got bit. And we know that this is just the latest in a series of canine catastrophes involving the president’s pooches. So, I ask: who did the dog bite?

Here are my completely random guesses, based solely off the lone clue provided to the New York Times: the bite-ee was a member of the Biden security team.

National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan:

Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz

Look at the way this man wears his mask. Doesn’t it look like a duck bill to you? Have you ever seen a large dog try to chase a duck (or a squirrel or a mouse etc)? I have, and I can absolutely picture a dog taking a nip out of this Sullivan’s face while Joe sits back, laughs and lets it all happen.

Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro N. Mayorkas:

Major knows that kennels are for bad dogs, not migrant children.

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg:

Okay, technically not on the “security” team, but he was a troop and probably a CIA spook. And, I mean…c’mon.

National Security Council Coordinator for the Middle East and North Africa Brett McGurk:

US State Department

Ignore McGurk’s 80’s villain aura, and the fact that his head sort of bows outward above his ears, and consider the possibility that Major isn’t so much a very bad dog, as he is an extremely good one — the sort of righteous companion who instinctively knows when he’s near someone who worked in both the first Bush White House and the Trump administration?

Champ:

Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz

Oh no what if it was Champ!? Sweet elderly Champ who’s 14 years old (98 in dog years) and “thinks he’s Secret Service.” Oh nooooo!

Anyway, that’s who I’ve got. Who do you think the dog bit? Sound off in the comments.

Update, 3:36 p.m. ET: Listen very carefully to White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, when asked during Tuesday’s press briefing if she could “reassure the public that Major Biden will not be euthanized as a result of this?”

Her answer, verbatim: “Certainly Major Biden is a member of the family, so I can assure you that.”

Is she actually saying that Major will not be sent to a farm upstate, or is she merely assuring the public that he is a “member of the family”? Very, very tricky…. And notice her artful pivot away from revealing the true identity of Major’s victim, as well. Layers within layers here. How deep does this conspiracy go?