For proof that the Republicans in 2021 are a perpetually necrotized shell of whatever scant substance they might have once had, consider the current drama playing out within what was, for a time, sincerely considered a “Grand Old Party.”
On Tuesday, Punchbowl news reported that GOP leadership is “bracing” for an impending push from its rank-and-file house members to strip committee assignments from more than a dozen of their fellow Republicans.
“Oh ho!” you might say. “Stripping Republicans of their committee seats? Sounds great! It’s about time those seditious mopes pay a price for their inexhaustible appetite for fuckery! Who’s on the chopping block? Is it straight up White Nationalist Paul Gosar, whose recent riff on Attack on Titan somehow managed to blend a shitty edgelord anime joke and a violent call to arms against his fellow lawmakers? Is it Louie Gohmert, who is simply dumb beyond all medical understanding? Perhaps it’s Lauren Boebert, who muses about the president’s farts, and claims that paid parental leave is bad because one time she gave birth to a kid in a truck.
Wrong. Erroneous on all counts. You’re still acting under the assumption that the GOP is a functioning political party. One that operates with a sense of logic and purpose and forethought. You idiot. You fool.
The reason 13 Republican congressmen and women are now being threatened by their own conservative colleagues is that they had the gall to actually pass a law — a big one in fact — which is basically their entire job description. Where once the GOP caucus put up a big stink because Marjorie Taylor Green was losing her committee assignments for being a fucking lunatic online, those same rank and file members of the party are now threatening to subject their fellow Republicans to that very punishment for voting “yes” on a bipartisan infrastructure bill Mitch McFucking McConnell called a “godsend” after he himself helped pass it through the Senate.
To be clear, the schism between the the GOP’s more overtly facistic bootlickers and its slightly more subtle authoritarians is nothing new. If anything, it’s the natural byproduct of a party fundamentally predicated on an increasingly narrow sense of aggrieved superiority. These iterative fights between each intensified wave of “true believers” is what happens when a political institution’s sine qua non is getting mad about its own imagined victimhood. Like someone who chugs nothing but lemon water and bone broth for a week because they read about it on Instagram, the goal here is the expulsion of anything deemed even remotely foreign to a rapidly shrinking list of “acceptable” entities, be they spoooooky free radicals floating somewhere in the host body, or “radical socialists” teaching kids that “racism is bad” and other unforgivable sins. It’s almost an afterthought to note that in either case the purger probably can’t actually define what their alleged excremental targets are, or how they work. What is important to them is the ability to turn around and show the rest of the world that they’re doing something, and taking a stand isn’t that just great for them, the purest of the pure and strongest of the strong. There’s no goal beyond posturing for the sake of looking tougher than whichever poor schmuck is unlucky enough to be standing next to them. It’s all just an act.
What makes that act all the more transparent in this instance, though, is that the sole crime committed by those Republicans targeted for punishment was following their own party’s leadership to pass a bill. It’s not even a matter of bad optics for the GOP, it’s just a manufactured dick measuring contest to see who can be the loudest while doing the least.
And that’s the Republican party now; a clown car full of masturbating chimps who only care about being the first one out the passenger door when the whole thing crashes into the side of a mountain. Is this a hopelessly mangled metaphor? Yup, it sure is! But it still makes more sense than whatever the GOP is these days.