Where's All the Freakin' Snow?!

I'm cold now but for what??

I miss this!!! Andrew Aitchison / In pictures via Getty Images

Lately, across the country, many people have been raising their eyes to the heavens and asking the same question of god: “Hey man. Where is all the freakin’ snow?”

As with many questions posed to a higher power, the answer lies not in the supernatural but in the banal, and yet the circumstances that cause our desperate please feel existential in nature. We are slowly being subsumed by a near-irreversible process of global warming, in which droughts and freak storms will change the climate zones of the world such that many areas once of plenty will become uninhabitable, while the monied and privileged insulate themselves from the ravages they have wrought. It will cause pain and devastation—both from human strife as resources become scarce, and from the implacable forces of wind and water and fire; to call these disasters an “act of god” is to absolve us all of our own guilt. God did not create these troubled times. Nor will a god save us from them. Pray if you must and shout to the heavens but know that no salvation exists from the heat in this world; and belief in a paradise to follow will not slake your thirst as you exit the mortal coil.

And in the meantime, you won’t even be able to go freakin’ sledding!

I mean seriously. This sucks! Per the Weather Channel, 2023 saw the lowest amount of snow on the ground during Christmas in decades. I’m not particularly sentimental about a “white Christmas” or whatever, but come on man! It’s January now! Where’s my fuckin snow!