As usual, great piece on this topic. This whole thing is maddening. Every single day, I wake up and some mainstream news outlet (NYT, The Atlantic, Washington Post, etc.) will have a new "Look, we're just concerned about the kids!!!" piece. I hate it. I hate how much it gets to me. I do appreciate your push-back on them, though. Thank you, as always, for fighting the good fight.
It goes back to an adage that I live by: anytime someone uses the “think of the children” argument, no matter how it’s framed, shouldn’t be taken seriously.
It boggles the mind how much faux handwringing coverage being trans is getting in the NYT. I'm beginning to wonder if the Times has a Brit in their editorial section.
Parenting is HARD, yo. Not just being a caregiver and provider, but a PARENT, is not easy. Every little decision, everything you say, every action you take, has the potential to be The Thing That Affects The Kid(s) For Their Whole Life, or at least A Thing. Every decision seems fraught: when to discipline them, how to foster their creativity, where to send them to school, it's all just a big huge clusterfuck. For such a momentous undertaking, there is literally no instruction manual and no trustworthy guidance (parents and in-laws, even the best ones, are not trustworthy guidance, because NO ONE is good at this). Yes, the Bradshaw parents' position on how to deal with their kid is abhorrent, and I completely disagree with how they went about it, but the confusion and fear in the mother's voice is supremely palpable. Here are two people who are just trying their goddamn best, but they have absolutely no idea what to do here, and on top of that they're getting blindsided by their school. It's a whirlpool.
And if you doubt mourning is a real thing here, go back and read Nicole Maines' story (https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html). Nicole's story is seen as a success, and it's brilliantly told by the Boston Globe (yes, the Times could learn a few things from the Globe), but even Nicole's father, a self-described "former" Republican, had deep trouble accepting Nicole's transition until he realized he was literally mourning the son it turns out he never had. It's a real and deeply emotional thing. The Bradshaws are not mourning their child's death, but there is still a real loss to comprehend.
There are failures here, but it's a larger societal failure in ceding the You've Got Questions About Transgenderism space to religious and/or right-wing crazies. The memes and fear-mongers have completely taken over the conversation, and did it so early that rational voices haven't been able to get loud enough to cut through the din. It's a failure of reporting, like Katie Baker's work here, which hasn't yet accepted that transgenderism is perfectly fine and is not in any way a flaw. It's a failure of leadership that hasn't put any kind of decent protections in place for trans children and, to be honest, adults. And yes, it's a failure of these parents failing to live up to their supposed ideals, and of falling victim to fear instead of putting their child first. But these are real, confused people who are trying their best within a system and society that hasn't given them nearly enough tools to confidently make these kinds of decisions and in many cases (like Ms. Baker here) actively points them in a more destructive direction.
Look, I'm going to try to be the best parent I can, but I know that I'm going to do multiple things to screw them up or make them not like me, because that's what my (otherwise very good) parents did to me, it's what my (otherwise wonderful) in-laws did to my wife, and it's what EVERY parent does to their child. We're all just trying our best. I wholeheartedly disagree with the Bradshaws' approach to parenting their transgender child, but Jesus Christ I feel for them.
i don't think it's fair to ascribe this level of good faith to people who air dirty laundry about their own child to a national media publication with a notable record of transphobia. someone who is willing to speak to a news reporter and say, “The school is telling me that I have to jump on the bandwagon and be completely supportive ... There is only so much and so far that I’m willing to go right now" is not someone who accepts their child's identity. someone who drives their son away ("He had tried to come out to his parents before, he said, but they didn’t take it seriously") and makes him feel, in his own words, like he's "not good enough" is fucking things up on a fundamental level. parenting is hard, but that's what they signed up for. it doesn't give someone license to do... whatever THIS is.
i'd also like to respond to the notion of "mourning the son it turns out you never had". in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis. the feelings that they described as "grief" and "loss" were actually, in my estimation, the pain of experiencing cognitive dissonance as their falsely-constructed ideas about my personality became incompatible with reality.
in contrast, the people in my life who saw me first and foremost as a human being, rather than filtering me through preconceived notions of gender, did not need any adjustment or mourning period. they understood that there was no real change being discussed; from that point on, i would simply be *more myself*, and there would only be more opportunities for understanding, togetherness, and closeness.
let me give an illustrative example: when i came out to my family, my mother—a lifelong liberal and supporter of queer rights—was shocked and terrified, because she knew that the risk of suicide is significantly higher for trans people. in her mind, i was suddenly in danger of harming myself when last week i had been fine. on the other hand, my (now ex-)girlfriend's dad—a conservative libertarian—told me that, while he "didn't understand it", he was happy that i had come out because he had looked at those *same stats* and saw that my risk factor had actually gone *down*.
despite what he said, he understood what my mother did not—that i was always this way, and that coming-out is not a life-changing transformation, but simply a revelation of truth that was always there.
you're not wrong that parenting is hard. you're not wrong that people are underserved by hostile institutions like the New York Times. but personally, i can't excuse anyone for the behavior the Bradshaws display here, because aside from any political or cultural disagreement, it implies a willingness to put their own biases above the real and vital needs of their child.
I appreciate your perspective and am heartened by your ex's father's response, and the responses of those who see you as a human rather than a statistic. I'm not trying to excuse the actions of parents running to the press instead of trying to understand their child; that's shitty and does nothing to help them unite as a family. I just tried, probably ham-handedly, to have some sympathy for the parents in this situation, mostly because There But For the Grace of God Go I.
It's just exhausting to ascribe bad faith to everything in the world, even though that's probably where we're at right now. Thank you for your perspective and for responding to me in good faith.
“in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis.”
I know this was not directed at me but that sentence has opened up a portal in the conversation that I think needs exploring: there’s a huge lack of analysis on not the gender roles and stereotypes our society enforces, but rather how subtle and seamless the socialization of it all is. Even those who are more socially aware still fall into this trap which makes everyone suffer (especially for those breaking away from them for their own sanity/health).
On the one hand, I get what you’re saying, on the other, they immediately, in my eyes, lost my sympathy because of them going to a major news publication and saying this stuff in the first place rather than go to other sources/avenues that could help them (and their child) traverse this situation better beforehand.
Even in my own experience, I’ve grown exponentially since this idea first came up in my radar a decade plus ago, but I’m still learning more things since thankfully I have friends who are trans, agender, queer, etc. and other resources that have helped me better understand all the issues they go through from within and society at large (I also like to think it helps that I went into this in good faith, a rare thing these days).
I also think that the NYT and their writer framed everything in such a way that made what could’ve been an illuminating story (people trying to genuinely understand their child’s true identity, which is what every parent goes through in obviously varying degrees and ways for said parents to help their children and themselves), instead into something that drives the paper’s own preconceived narrative of punching down on trans kids, which makes the thesis that Jack makes all the more relevant. Especially when he used the argument about “gay” instead of “trans” which is still a problem in our supposed enlightened society.
Long story short three conclusions come to mind: 1). Liberals are right wingers (and have the same blind spots, biases, and misinformation) but can get away with it easier, 2). The NYT are not really doing anything to help the conversation at all and they shouldn’t be taken seriously, and most importantly 3). I’m glad I’m not planning to have any kids of my own.
Yeah, I think we can all agree that the NYT completely shat themselves on this story. Also, that liberals can be just as siloed in their beliefs as conservatives, as we continue to see with the nonsensical liberal backlash to vaccinations. I just wish that there was more support given to parents in general so that they didn't have to turn to memes and fear-mongers when they're out of their depth.
Liberals are going to be the force that legitimizes the genocide of trans people. It's Dead Kennedys' "kill the poor", but for the trans community. Fucking sickening.
As usual, great piece on this topic. This whole thing is maddening. Every single day, I wake up and some mainstream news outlet (NYT, The Atlantic, Washington Post, etc.) will have a new "Look, we're just concerned about the kids!!!" piece. I hate it. I hate how much it gets to me. I do appreciate your push-back on them, though. Thank you, as always, for fighting the good fight.
thanks parker that means a great deal to me!!!
It goes back to an adage that I live by: anytime someone uses the “think of the children” argument, no matter how it’s framed, shouldn’t be taken seriously.
It boggles the mind how much faux handwringing coverage being trans is getting in the NYT. I'm beginning to wonder if the Times has a Brit in their editorial section.
Okay, rant, hawt taek, whatever, but strap in.
Parenting is HARD, yo. Not just being a caregiver and provider, but a PARENT, is not easy. Every little decision, everything you say, every action you take, has the potential to be The Thing That Affects The Kid(s) For Their Whole Life, or at least A Thing. Every decision seems fraught: when to discipline them, how to foster their creativity, where to send them to school, it's all just a big huge clusterfuck. For such a momentous undertaking, there is literally no instruction manual and no trustworthy guidance (parents and in-laws, even the best ones, are not trustworthy guidance, because NO ONE is good at this). Yes, the Bradshaw parents' position on how to deal with their kid is abhorrent, and I completely disagree with how they went about it, but the confusion and fear in the mother's voice is supremely palpable. Here are two people who are just trying their goddamn best, but they have absolutely no idea what to do here, and on top of that they're getting blindsided by their school. It's a whirlpool.
And if you doubt mourning is a real thing here, go back and read Nicole Maines' story (https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html). Nicole's story is seen as a success, and it's brilliantly told by the Boston Globe (yes, the Times could learn a few things from the Globe), but even Nicole's father, a self-described "former" Republican, had deep trouble accepting Nicole's transition until he realized he was literally mourning the son it turns out he never had. It's a real and deeply emotional thing. The Bradshaws are not mourning their child's death, but there is still a real loss to comprehend.
There are failures here, but it's a larger societal failure in ceding the You've Got Questions About Transgenderism space to religious and/or right-wing crazies. The memes and fear-mongers have completely taken over the conversation, and did it so early that rational voices haven't been able to get loud enough to cut through the din. It's a failure of reporting, like Katie Baker's work here, which hasn't yet accepted that transgenderism is perfectly fine and is not in any way a flaw. It's a failure of leadership that hasn't put any kind of decent protections in place for trans children and, to be honest, adults. And yes, it's a failure of these parents failing to live up to their supposed ideals, and of falling victim to fear instead of putting their child first. But these are real, confused people who are trying their best within a system and society that hasn't given them nearly enough tools to confidently make these kinds of decisions and in many cases (like Ms. Baker here) actively points them in a more destructive direction.
Look, I'm going to try to be the best parent I can, but I know that I'm going to do multiple things to screw them up or make them not like me, because that's what my (otherwise very good) parents did to me, it's what my (otherwise wonderful) in-laws did to my wife, and it's what EVERY parent does to their child. We're all just trying our best. I wholeheartedly disagree with the Bradshaws' approach to parenting their transgender child, but Jesus Christ I feel for them.
i don't think it's fair to ascribe this level of good faith to people who air dirty laundry about their own child to a national media publication with a notable record of transphobia. someone who is willing to speak to a news reporter and say, “The school is telling me that I have to jump on the bandwagon and be completely supportive ... There is only so much and so far that I’m willing to go right now" is not someone who accepts their child's identity. someone who drives their son away ("He had tried to come out to his parents before, he said, but they didn’t take it seriously") and makes him feel, in his own words, like he's "not good enough" is fucking things up on a fundamental level. parenting is hard, but that's what they signed up for. it doesn't give someone license to do... whatever THIS is.
i'd also like to respond to the notion of "mourning the son it turns out you never had". in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis. the feelings that they described as "grief" and "loss" were actually, in my estimation, the pain of experiencing cognitive dissonance as their falsely-constructed ideas about my personality became incompatible with reality.
in contrast, the people in my life who saw me first and foremost as a human being, rather than filtering me through preconceived notions of gender, did not need any adjustment or mourning period. they understood that there was no real change being discussed; from that point on, i would simply be *more myself*, and there would only be more opportunities for understanding, togetherness, and closeness.
let me give an illustrative example: when i came out to my family, my mother—a lifelong liberal and supporter of queer rights—was shocked and terrified, because she knew that the risk of suicide is significantly higher for trans people. in her mind, i was suddenly in danger of harming myself when last week i had been fine. on the other hand, my (now ex-)girlfriend's dad—a conservative libertarian—told me that, while he "didn't understand it", he was happy that i had come out because he had looked at those *same stats* and saw that my risk factor had actually gone *down*.
despite what he said, he understood what my mother did not—that i was always this way, and that coming-out is not a life-changing transformation, but simply a revelation of truth that was always there.
you're not wrong that parenting is hard. you're not wrong that people are underserved by hostile institutions like the New York Times. but personally, i can't excuse anyone for the behavior the Bradshaws display here, because aside from any political or cultural disagreement, it implies a willingness to put their own biases above the real and vital needs of their child.
I appreciate your perspective and am heartened by your ex's father's response, and the responses of those who see you as a human rather than a statistic. I'm not trying to excuse the actions of parents running to the press instead of trying to understand their child; that's shitty and does nothing to help them unite as a family. I just tried, probably ham-handedly, to have some sympathy for the parents in this situation, mostly because There But For the Grace of God Go I.
It's just exhausting to ascribe bad faith to everything in the world, even though that's probably where we're at right now. Thank you for your perspective and for responding to me in good faith.
thank you for the same 🤝
“in my own coming-out experience, the only people who claimed such a need were those who had already superimposed a gendered context onto my identity, which would have been alienating & harmful even if i were cis.”
I know this was not directed at me but that sentence has opened up a portal in the conversation that I think needs exploring: there’s a huge lack of analysis on not the gender roles and stereotypes our society enforces, but rather how subtle and seamless the socialization of it all is. Even those who are more socially aware still fall into this trap which makes everyone suffer (especially for those breaking away from them for their own sanity/health).
On the one hand, I get what you’re saying, on the other, they immediately, in my eyes, lost my sympathy because of them going to a major news publication and saying this stuff in the first place rather than go to other sources/avenues that could help them (and their child) traverse this situation better beforehand.
Even in my own experience, I’ve grown exponentially since this idea first came up in my radar a decade plus ago, but I’m still learning more things since thankfully I have friends who are trans, agender, queer, etc. and other resources that have helped me better understand all the issues they go through from within and society at large (I also like to think it helps that I went into this in good faith, a rare thing these days).
I also think that the NYT and their writer framed everything in such a way that made what could’ve been an illuminating story (people trying to genuinely understand their child’s true identity, which is what every parent goes through in obviously varying degrees and ways for said parents to help their children and themselves), instead into something that drives the paper’s own preconceived narrative of punching down on trans kids, which makes the thesis that Jack makes all the more relevant. Especially when he used the argument about “gay” instead of “trans” which is still a problem in our supposed enlightened society.
Long story short three conclusions come to mind: 1). Liberals are right wingers (and have the same blind spots, biases, and misinformation) but can get away with it easier, 2). The NYT are not really doing anything to help the conversation at all and they shouldn’t be taken seriously, and most importantly 3). I’m glad I’m not planning to have any kids of my own.
Yeah, I think we can all agree that the NYT completely shat themselves on this story. Also, that liberals can be just as siloed in their beliefs as conservatives, as we continue to see with the nonsensical liberal backlash to vaccinations. I just wish that there was more support given to parents in general so that they didn't have to turn to memes and fear-mongers when they're out of their depth.
Liberals are going to be the force that legitimizes the genocide of trans people. It's Dead Kennedys' "kill the poor", but for the trans community. Fucking sickening.
thank you for this. i hate these articles so much and it’s cathartic to read such a thorough analysis of exactly why they are so harmful