As a guy, it can be very difficult to admit there is an issue that you are having that requires outside help. You should be able to handle it yourself, bounce it off a friend, "walk it off", or something to get yourself right. But I've been seeing a therapist for years, and was fortunate (on advice from a girlfriend at the time, many years ago) to take advantage of free sessions through the UC system in CA, and I can't recommend it enough.
Since I'm a big sports guy, and played for years, the context that works best for me is a coaching relationship. Any coach I've ever had is out there to help me be my best self...on the field, on the floor, in training, etc. So, I took in that coach mindset into my own sessions...my therapist is there to help me see my own blind spots, so I can be my best self (whatever that is at the time). Having that context, my therapist as a coach, really eased any concerns I had about going into therapy.
So now I see my coach in the locker room (our sessions) then go back out into the field of life. It works really well for me. Sam, I appreciate you putting this out there. I don't share this with most people, but the more we do, the less of a stigma there is. Thank you for your courage.
That's a really apt metaphor, I've seen my therapist as somewhat of a life coach too, and I'm glad that's helped you. I know my own share of male friends and family who struggle with that stigma of admitting you need help, and I'm sure that's a comparison that would resonate with a lot of them too. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this. I've had several therapists over the years and you're totally right that finding a good fit is necessary. They help, which is why your point about Medicare for All so that everyone can see one is so important, as is decreasing mental health stigma--which writng like this does.
It was difficult for me to start going to therapy, to help to overcome codependence and intimacy issues. Thanks to a major knee injury, my high deductible health insurance was maxed and I was able to essentially interview several therapists until I found one that I gelled with.
I feel that I've grown significantly from therapy and hope that work like yours will help to dispel stigmas around mental health.
How much of this stigma do you think is generational? My parents haven't been forthcoming with their opinions about going to therapy but aren't outwardly hostile. My own peers (I'm 30) say things like "everyone can benefit from therapy" and "mental health is equally important" etc. Perhaps I've cultivated a bubble of empathetic people?
Thank you for sharing that, I'm glad it's worked for you! And I definitely feel much of it is generational, but we still don't have the infrastructure we need to get everyone on board. Someone else mentioned it above in the comments, I'm wondering if we're at a point where it's like "mental healthcare is important and valid but must not be for me," where we have public acceptance but this reluctance to explore it on a personal level. And even then I think there are other stigmas like across culture and gender, maybe reinforced by the generational divide, that make it harder for some people to want therapy for themselves despite how more accepted it is publicly.
I always said the right things about therapy but inwardly thought "that's for those broken people, not for me." That was until 2 1/2 years ago, when I was going through some shit that me to some pretty dark places. Fortunately, I got over myself and found a good therapist. I'm not in therapy on the regular now - mine was more of an acute "get out of that situation" type thing - but I've ditched those very stupid thoughts I had about therapy and anti-depressants.
Thank you! Yeah I mean it's not even about getting over ourselves, more like getting over all the things we've been told that we still internalize. I'm glad it worked out for you and that you're out of that situation!
Extremely relatable article Samantha. The parts about insurance and the need for Medicare for All are spot on. Thank you for writing this, I hope everyone can get the help they need
Wonderful piece Samantha and unfortunately relatable. I have a question, if you don't mind? If you do, please feel free to ignore me. When you first went, did you open up completely? I went to a few sessions and ended up sugarcoating everything I was feeling and doing. It felt pointless for me to keep going when I wasn't being honest.
I've been seeing my therapist for about 6 months now and I definitely find myself sugarcoating things. Sometimes its because I'm embarrassed or think that I shouldn't feel this way and sometimes its because I just don't want to get into that issue right then. I think my therapist has a good bs detector but she doesn't usually call me on it when I'm sugar coating things and just moves on.
My personal feeling on the issue is that you should try to be honest because your therapist can't help you unless they know what you're going through. However, it's hard to talk to a stranger about personal issues so occasionally there are going to be things that you won't be ready to talk about. You shouldn't beat yourself up over that.
My strategy would be to set a goal for my next session to talk about the fact that I feel the need to sugarcoat everything. Once your therapist knows this is going on, you can work together to explore how to best structure the therapy to help you feel more comfortable or even explore if you need a different therapist. They shouldn't feel offended or scold you for not being honest and if they do then you should definitely go find a new therapist.
Great response, David. Just to echo what you said: if you’re unable to open up to your therapist (or doctor, TBF), they’re probably not the right person for you. And that’s ok.
Thanks David, I appreciate your response. I had the same thought - they can't help me unless I'm honest, which is part of the reason I stopped going. That's a sensible recommendation to start with discussing the perceived need to sugarcoat with them.
Yeah thanks for that David, that approach sounds really helpful. There have definitely been times, especially at the beginning, where I felt like I couldn't completely be honest, but it got easier the more I let my guard down and acknowledged that I wasn't going to get what I needed out of the sessions that I was paying so much for. And yeah definitely feeling what Ape Mummy is saying, just like how I felt with that first woman, that could be an indication that they're not someone who *can* help you, and that you should try finding someone else. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for!
I've been going to therapy for... seven years? It doesn't feel that long! At first, I didn't tell anyone I went. Mostly because of an ongoing fear of failure and not wanting to broadcast attempts in case I don't accomplish what I want. You know, that old thing. Once I got comfortable with it, I did my best to broadcast it as much as possible. I genuinely don't think there's anything bad about it (as well as usually enjoying it a great deal) so I want to pay heed to that belief. It can feel awkward at times, but if part of thinks being a little awkward about it now might make it easier for other people? Or encourage other people to try? Eh, I don't know, but it's how it feels.
With my mom, I've often had to deal with a lot of "do you think it's working?" as if I'm just loosening a jar lid. That can be hard to deal with because... well, I wonder it, too! Even if I know it's not that simple, there are always times when I know I'm not meeting my goals or feel like I've lost my way and outside inquiries can make it that much harder to stay focused.
Nice job, I can tell just from reading this you've progressed, without even knowing you. My first therapy session was 25 years ago and my most recent was this past Saturday. I've had probably 4-5 therapists in between there and have been with my current about 2 years. It's generally an atrocious, time consuming, and overly complicated process to find any kind of mental health professional in this country. I've gotten referrals for therapists plenty of times only to find out they won't bill to insurance companies because it's not worth the effort. Different insurance companies also pay therapists differently which usually ends up with therapists only taking insurance that can help them pay their bills. I asked my therapist once about it and he said he felt terrible but he had to drop certain insurances because they only paid half as much as others. Half!
Enjoyed the post! There is so much more I could probably say on this topic, haha.
S/O for this, Samantha. I’m more in the proselytizing mode when it comes to therapy, but I get what you’re saying about the shame you can feel. For those of us un- or underemployed: check into what resources you have locally via Medicare. My therapist, who’s been a huge help, takes MC. It’s been a literal life saver over the past year.
It's hard, right! And I completely understand the feeling of, maybe I only want to reveal this to certain audiences, I'm glad you can trust the Discourse Blogs discourse lol. I do wonder if it's like, I've gotten that negative feedback before from friends who don't seem comfortable with sharing, so maybe that strengthens my reluctance to talk about it, but there are so many factors. It definitely does feel a lot easier with someone who seems to get it, but then I get into the train of thought that's like, maybe the people who don't seem as receptive are still figuring their way around it, too. Again, so many factors, lol.
The stigma is real. I think mental health is still something that most people still accept as something that is 'ok' to spout crackpot anti-science stuff or jokes about, though it is better than a couple decades ago. As someone who has long had a couple mood disorder diagnoses to record on medical forms, it took me MANY YEARS to be comfortable bringing it up with people who I didn't already know how they felt about it. It's like when someone asks you what kind of music you like and you don't want to tell them you are into punk rock because you know it will inevitably end with you having to admit you like a few Green Day songs.
As a guy, it can be very difficult to admit there is an issue that you are having that requires outside help. You should be able to handle it yourself, bounce it off a friend, "walk it off", or something to get yourself right. But I've been seeing a therapist for years, and was fortunate (on advice from a girlfriend at the time, many years ago) to take advantage of free sessions through the UC system in CA, and I can't recommend it enough.
Since I'm a big sports guy, and played for years, the context that works best for me is a coaching relationship. Any coach I've ever had is out there to help me be my best self...on the field, on the floor, in training, etc. So, I took in that coach mindset into my own sessions...my therapist is there to help me see my own blind spots, so I can be my best self (whatever that is at the time). Having that context, my therapist as a coach, really eased any concerns I had about going into therapy.
So now I see my coach in the locker room (our sessions) then go back out into the field of life. It works really well for me. Sam, I appreciate you putting this out there. I don't share this with most people, but the more we do, the less of a stigma there is. Thank you for your courage.
That's a really apt metaphor, I've seen my therapist as somewhat of a life coach too, and I'm glad that's helped you. I know my own share of male friends and family who struggle with that stigma of admitting you need help, and I'm sure that's a comparison that would resonate with a lot of them too. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this. I've had several therapists over the years and you're totally right that finding a good fit is necessary. They help, which is why your point about Medicare for All so that everyone can see one is so important, as is decreasing mental health stigma--which writng like this does.
Thank you for sharing this, Samantha.
It was difficult for me to start going to therapy, to help to overcome codependence and intimacy issues. Thanks to a major knee injury, my high deductible health insurance was maxed and I was able to essentially interview several therapists until I found one that I gelled with.
I feel that I've grown significantly from therapy and hope that work like yours will help to dispel stigmas around mental health.
How much of this stigma do you think is generational? My parents haven't been forthcoming with their opinions about going to therapy but aren't outwardly hostile. My own peers (I'm 30) say things like "everyone can benefit from therapy" and "mental health is equally important" etc. Perhaps I've cultivated a bubble of empathetic people?
Thank you again for your vulnerability.
Thank you for sharing that, I'm glad it's worked for you! And I definitely feel much of it is generational, but we still don't have the infrastructure we need to get everyone on board. Someone else mentioned it above in the comments, I'm wondering if we're at a point where it's like "mental healthcare is important and valid but must not be for me," where we have public acceptance but this reluctance to explore it on a personal level. And even then I think there are other stigmas like across culture and gender, maybe reinforced by the generational divide, that make it harder for some people to want therapy for themselves despite how more accepted it is publicly.
I always said the right things about therapy but inwardly thought "that's for those broken people, not for me." That was until 2 1/2 years ago, when I was going through some shit that me to some pretty dark places. Fortunately, I got over myself and found a good therapist. I'm not in therapy on the regular now - mine was more of an acute "get out of that situation" type thing - but I've ditched those very stupid thoughts I had about therapy and anti-depressants.
Good on you for getting the help you needed.
Thank you! Yeah I mean it's not even about getting over ourselves, more like getting over all the things we've been told that we still internalize. I'm glad it worked out for you and that you're out of that situation!
Extremely relatable article Samantha. The parts about insurance and the need for Medicare for All are spot on. Thank you for writing this, I hope everyone can get the help they need
Wonderful piece Samantha and unfortunately relatable. I have a question, if you don't mind? If you do, please feel free to ignore me. When you first went, did you open up completely? I went to a few sessions and ended up sugarcoating everything I was feeling and doing. It felt pointless for me to keep going when I wasn't being honest.
I've been seeing my therapist for about 6 months now and I definitely find myself sugarcoating things. Sometimes its because I'm embarrassed or think that I shouldn't feel this way and sometimes its because I just don't want to get into that issue right then. I think my therapist has a good bs detector but she doesn't usually call me on it when I'm sugar coating things and just moves on.
My personal feeling on the issue is that you should try to be honest because your therapist can't help you unless they know what you're going through. However, it's hard to talk to a stranger about personal issues so occasionally there are going to be things that you won't be ready to talk about. You shouldn't beat yourself up over that.
My strategy would be to set a goal for my next session to talk about the fact that I feel the need to sugarcoat everything. Once your therapist knows this is going on, you can work together to explore how to best structure the therapy to help you feel more comfortable or even explore if you need a different therapist. They shouldn't feel offended or scold you for not being honest and if they do then you should definitely go find a new therapist.
Great response, David. Just to echo what you said: if you’re unable to open up to your therapist (or doctor, TBF), they’re probably not the right person for you. And that’s ok.
Thanks David, I appreciate your response. I had the same thought - they can't help me unless I'm honest, which is part of the reason I stopped going. That's a sensible recommendation to start with discussing the perceived need to sugarcoat with them.
Yeah thanks for that David, that approach sounds really helpful. There have definitely been times, especially at the beginning, where I felt like I couldn't completely be honest, but it got easier the more I let my guard down and acknowledged that I wasn't going to get what I needed out of the sessions that I was paying so much for. And yeah definitely feeling what Ape Mummy is saying, just like how I felt with that first woman, that could be an indication that they're not someone who *can* help you, and that you should try finding someone else. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for!
I've been going to therapy for... seven years? It doesn't feel that long! At first, I didn't tell anyone I went. Mostly because of an ongoing fear of failure and not wanting to broadcast attempts in case I don't accomplish what I want. You know, that old thing. Once I got comfortable with it, I did my best to broadcast it as much as possible. I genuinely don't think there's anything bad about it (as well as usually enjoying it a great deal) so I want to pay heed to that belief. It can feel awkward at times, but if part of thinks being a little awkward about it now might make it easier for other people? Or encourage other people to try? Eh, I don't know, but it's how it feels.
With my mom, I've often had to deal with a lot of "do you think it's working?" as if I'm just loosening a jar lid. That can be hard to deal with because... well, I wonder it, too! Even if I know it's not that simple, there are always times when I know I'm not meeting my goals or feel like I've lost my way and outside inquiries can make it that much harder to stay focused.
I really liked this. Thanks for writing it!
Nice job, I can tell just from reading this you've progressed, without even knowing you. My first therapy session was 25 years ago and my most recent was this past Saturday. I've had probably 4-5 therapists in between there and have been with my current about 2 years. It's generally an atrocious, time consuming, and overly complicated process to find any kind of mental health professional in this country. I've gotten referrals for therapists plenty of times only to find out they won't bill to insurance companies because it's not worth the effort. Different insurance companies also pay therapists differently which usually ends up with therapists only taking insurance that can help them pay their bills. I asked my therapist once about it and he said he felt terrible but he had to drop certain insurances because they only paid half as much as others. Half!
Enjoyed the post! There is so much more I could probably say on this topic, haha.
Wow, I had no idea the insurance aspect was so fucked up, that's so rough. Thank you for sharing that!
S/O for this, Samantha. I’m more in the proselytizing mode when it comes to therapy, but I get what you’re saying about the shame you can feel. For those of us un- or underemployed: check into what resources you have locally via Medicare. My therapist, who’s been a huge help, takes MC. It’s been a literal life saver over the past year.
It's hard, right! And I completely understand the feeling of, maybe I only want to reveal this to certain audiences, I'm glad you can trust the Discourse Blogs discourse lol. I do wonder if it's like, I've gotten that negative feedback before from friends who don't seem comfortable with sharing, so maybe that strengthens my reluctance to talk about it, but there are so many factors. It definitely does feel a lot easier with someone who seems to get it, but then I get into the train of thought that's like, maybe the people who don't seem as receptive are still figuring their way around it, too. Again, so many factors, lol.
The stigma is real. I think mental health is still something that most people still accept as something that is 'ok' to spout crackpot anti-science stuff or jokes about, though it is better than a couple decades ago. As someone who has long had a couple mood disorder diagnoses to record on medical forms, it took me MANY YEARS to be comfortable bringing it up with people who I didn't already know how they felt about it. It's like when someone asks you what kind of music you like and you don't want to tell them you are into punk rock because you know it will inevitably end with you having to admit you like a few Green Day songs.