Presidents Day Is the Worst Holiday

It's not even close.

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Today is, so the calendar tells us, Presidents Day. The day we all look forward to every year. The day of the presidents. You know, the people who really need honoring because nobody ever honors them.

I feel like we don’t tend to think too often about Presidents Day. It sort of flies under the radar in comparison to your Christmases or your Fourth of Julys or even your lower-tier Labor Day-level holidays. It’s just kind of there.

I was planning to spend almost no time at all contemplating Presidents Day this year, as is my tradition. But then Rafi asked a question in our Slack.

Rafi is always a heterodox thinker (recall his seminal blog “Scrambled Eggs Suck”) and, as ever, he zigged where others (me) had zagged. That “uh tbd” really means “This is the first time I, Jack, have contemplated not blogging on Presidents Day. Interesting thought.”

I love blogging, but I also love not doing work, and one of the nice things about owning your own business is that you get to just make up the schedule. So I was leaning towards not blogging today, and just putting up a quick “We’re not blogging because it’s Presidents Day” thing. But then I started actually thinking about this stupid day, possibly for the first time in my life. And I realized, wait a minute, I do have something to say today: Presidents Day sucks! In fact, I have scientifically concluded that it is the worst of all U.S. holidays—by far.

Let us count the reasons for this.

1: It’s commemorating some of the worst people who have ever lived

First of all, “presidents” as the reason for a holiday is wildly vague—the Associated Press wrote on Sunday that “for some historians the holiday has lost all discernible meaning”—and very, very stupid. Secondly, know who extremely does not to be celebrated? These guys.

The American presidency is, objectively, one of the most destructive institutions created in the 4.5-billion-year history of Earth. Between them, the 45 men who have occupied this office have inflicted great violence on their country and the world. They have shaped and led one of the most dangerous, blood-soaked, inhumane, calamitous organizations anyone has ever devised: the United States government. Obviously, they didn’t do this alone. But they were at the top of the ladder, and they’re the ones with the holiday, asking us to say how awesome they are as if winning the presidency wasn’t enough of a pat on the back for them. Absolutely not—particularly not when the current president is actively helping commit genocide in Gaza.

2: You’re not guaranteed time off for it

My other job offered this day as a floating holiday, which I didn’t take, so I’m working today—as are most people who don’t work for the government. If you’re not an ironclad “nobody works today no matter what” holiday, you’re immediately bumped way down on the list.

3: It has an identity crisis

Not even Presidents Day is certain about what it’s really for. It used to be known as Washington’s Birthday, in honor of the guy on the one-dollar bill. (Not pictured on that bill: the many enslaved people he owned.) Then it got broadened out—first to be about Lincoln too, because his birthday is also around now (again: oh my god who cares) and then to be about all presidents. And now it’s known to basically everyone as Presidents Day, to the extent that the people who run the official Mount Vernon website made an entire page complaining about how their guy got shafted. There’s even a little box at the end of the page telling people to contact their representatives to get Washington’s name back on the day. Yes, I agree: loser behavior.

But there’s a big asterisk: the federal government never actually updated the name, so it’s still technically known as Washington’s Birthday in the White House or whatever.

So is this Presidents Day? Washington’s Birthday? Washington and Lincoln’s Birthday? Both? Neither? All of the above? I wouldn’t be excited about any of these, but can this day make a decision about itself for god’s sake?

4: It has no traditions at all

This is the entirety of the section on “Presidents Day traditions” in an explainer article from the Voice of America:

According to the White House Historical Association, presidents throughout U.S. history have celebrated the birthdays of Washington and Lincoln in various ways. For example, President Andrew Jackson celebrated Washington's birthday in 1837 with a 635-kilogram (1,400-pound) wheel of cheese he shared with guests.

In 1931, President Herbert Hoover addressed the nation via a radio address to commemorate the birthday of Lincoln, and President Lyndon B. Johnson held a Lincoln Day luncheon at the White House in 1965.

In 2015, President Barack Obama commemorated the day by revamping the White House web pages about each U.S. president to facilitate learning about their history.

For the public, Presidents Day celebrations occur throughout the country. Some notable traditions are the Presidents Day parade in Old Town, in Alexandria, Virginia, near Washington’s estate, Mount Vernon. This year, the parade will follow the theme of "George Washington: Alexandria's Oldest Living Legend."

In addition to parades, many go to national monuments to presidents such as Washington and Lincoln. On Presidents Day, Mount Vernon will be have free tours of the mansion.

Many companies also hold holiday sales on Presidents Day, particularly on furniture and appliances.

This is one of the saddest lists I have ever seen. It’s beyond padding. It’s desperation. Most of these aren’t even traditions—they’re just things that presidents did one time. Let me repeat one of these traditions: “In 2015, President Barack Obama commemorated the day by revamping the White House web pages about each U.S. president to facilitate learning about their history.”

Ah yes, the famous “president updates a website in 2015” tradition. Need I say more?

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Add this all up, and what do you get? A useless, worthless, pointless holiday—and the worst holiday we have all year.

Still skeptical? Let me run down the list of all the other federal holidays, and you’ll see that all of them have something better to offer.

• New Year’s Day: I mean. It’s better.

• MLK Day: Hmmm, who do I want to honor more, the presidents or Martin Luther King? Tough choice. Plus, it’s a “nobody works” day. Better, duh.

• Memorial Day: Nobody works. Better!

• Juneteenth: Nobody works and it’s about emancipation. Insanely better.

• July 4th: OK, this one is definitely in the danger zone because celebrating the United States is disgusting, but nobody works and there’s fireworks, so, you guessed it, better.

• Labor Day: Say it with me—nobody works. Also it’s on my birthday this year. Clearly better.

• Indigenous Peoples Day: In its guise as Columbus Day, it is in very fierce competition with Presidents Day for the worst holiday—about someone evil, you’re not guaranteed the day off, and its traditions are garbage. However, it inspired the much cooler Indigenous Peoples Day and gives us a great opportunity each year to reflect on the horror of European and American imperial genocide, so sorry, it wins. Better.

• Veterans Day: You probably have to work, and the U.S. military is, shall we say, bad. But a huge part of why it’s bad is the people in charge of it…the presidents we celebrate on Presidents Day. If forced to choose between an abstract group of people and a very specific group of despicable presidents, I’m going abstract. Also this used to be Armistice Day—a commemoration of people deciding to stop pointlessly killing each other—so even the history of the day is preferable. Veterans Day is better.

• Thanksgiving: Based on vile conquest, so…yeah. But really, so is Presidents Day. And on Thanksgiving, nobody works and there’s pie. Better.

• Christmas: I think Christmas is better than Presidents Day.

I rest my case. Worst holiday ever. What are we even doing here?