John Roberts Is Increasingly Unnerved by the Leopard Eating His Face

Good luck with all that.

Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images

In general, I’m not a huge fan of those #Resistance cliches about leopards eating faces or fucking around and finding out or whatever glib turn of phrase is in vogue these days for people whose activism consists of a six-part Twitter bio that’s mostly just fist emojis and flags. It’s not that I’m opposed to just deserts — far from it! Big fan!— so much as I usually chafe at using trite slogans as political shibboleths in general.

Having said that! I can’t help but imagine John Roberts, the conservative Chief Justice of the United State Supreme Court, sitting in his lavish office surrounded by expensive, leather-bound books and intricate glass paperweights, looking slightly unnerved as a rare Anatolian leopard sits on his lap and sinks a three-inch fang into his right cheek. And in this fantasy of mine, while a sleek, furred, majestic predator gnaws on Roberts’ jawbone, the most powerful judge in the most powerful court in the country pens the following message, which he released this morning without preamble or follow-up:

“For more than two centuries, it has been established that impeachment is not an appropriate response to disagreement concerning a judicial decision. The normal appellate review process exists for that purpose.”

Granted, it’s not exactly spicy stuff. But what Robert’s statement lacks in artistic flair, it more than makes up for with its hilariously predictable soundtrack of snapping tendons and crunching bones. Because folks, this is the statement of a man who is slowly realizing that he might have irrevocably fucked himself (and everyone else too, but mostly just himself).

First, some context: