GOP Presidential Candidates Matched With What Drug I Think They Were On Last Night

For legal reasons we must only speculate and I should clarify that this is purely satire.

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Running for public office on a national level is perhaps one of the most intimidating and difficult things a person can do. It is so difficult and bizarre, in fact, that the only people who ever seek to do it are always, in one way or another, deranged. Joe Biden is a little deranged. Bernie Sanders is a little deranged. But the GOP, especially since 2016, has looked off-kilter in a way that seems special and new even when compared to the usual standard of politician-derangement syndrome. 

Much of this can be explained by the fact that the GOP is a party in flux between a stolid, competent old guard and some new wave of mask-off nativism and techno-fueled fascism that has attracted some of the weirdest motherfuckers out there and incentivized them to just get weirder. It begs the question: Are some of them on drugs? Am I on drugs? The answer to those questions is the same: maybe, but for legal reasons, I cannot definitively say in this forum.

But if they were. Well. Here’s exactly which drug I think each of last night’s debate participants might have been knocking back before the big show.