Bird of the Week: Mallard

Name a more iconic bird, we dare you. 🦆

Well team, looks like we made it. After three weeks of incredible, gasp-worthy, fuck-me-up ducks, we’re at the end of the road. Duck Month ends here. But hey, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened—and also know that we will definitely be doing more ducks for Bird of the Week in the future. We don’t need a themed miniseries to marvel at a duck!

Now, it might seem appropriate to end with some kind of showy banger of a bird. There are plenty of those out there, and it would be a fitting tribute. We thought about it, trust us. But last week, Jack messaged me with a salient point. He said, “I like the mini-tradition we've developed for always doing the iconic obvious bird during theme months.” Was I going to argue with that? Hell no. 

That’s right, our honoree this week is the supreme, ideal, all-out phenomenal… MALLARD. A bird absolutely deserving of all caps and nothing short of the highest praise.

You know the satisfaction of hearing the first few chords of a beloved song for the 500th time (cue this blog’s second inclusion of a link to Shania Twain’s “You’re Still the One”)? That’s the feeling you should be having right now because you’re about to see a breathtaking photo of a MALLARD.

Photo: themadbirdlady

I’m gonna be honest, a lot of photos simply do not do this bird justice. Part of that might be because it’s so familiar, but man, when you come across a good one, it goes hard: 

Photo: Keith

What can I even say here? Mallards are among the most common, most recognizable birds in the world. They’re not only the duck you think of when someone says “duck,” they’re also “the ancestor of most strains of domesticated ducks.” The Adam of ducks! This is some king shit, truly. 

Photo: Wayne S. Grazio

It’s safe to say we take these birds for granted. The males cut a striking figure with shades of brown, gray, and white, and unbelievably vibrant shocks of iridescent forest green, orange, yellow and blue. The definition of handsome! Don’t discount the females though—along with young mallards, they too are fully iconic in their own right with their mottled brown feathers and orange bills. Eeeee!

These birds are cute but they’re also hardy and adaptable, migrating from as far north as Canada and Alaska. They’re also dabbling ducks, which means they feed near the surface of the water by tipping their bodies forward, instead of diving. Classic duck behavior!!! In addition to grazing on subaquatic flora, they also forage and graze for their meals on dry land. And you better believe they waddle when they do it. They waddle, they quack, they’re the duck emoji (🦆!), and you sure as heck fed them some pieces of sliced white bread at some point in your life! (Don’t do that, by the way.) 

Here’s something you should do, though: If you’re looking for an internet rabbit hole to fall down today, do some reading on duck sex. Yes, duck sex. As the St. Albert Gazette puts it, ducks have “a sex life that would make even the most carnal Casanova blush, full of gang rapes and remarkably complex genitalia.” Seriously, these waterfowl have received enough attention in the media for their wild romps and fascinating anatomy that it’s a wonder a mallard hasn’t written a viral personal essay for The Cut (complimentary). I’m posturing as if I myself don’t care that much about this or don’t want to spend a lot of time on it, but the truth is, my behavior is a form of self-preservation. If I got started on duck sex in the pages of this blog, we’d be here all day. Needless to say, nature is completely WILD and astonishing. Anyway.

Photo: Gregory "Slobirdr" Smith

Literally the only thing that’s not cool about mallards (okay, aside from some of the questionable sex stuff) is that they are the exact image that comes to mind when you hear the word “decoy” and that sucks because these birds deserve to live for a million years in peace, not hunted!! That association isn’t on them though, it’s on us, as all bad things are. Relatedly, mallards can live in captivity up to 10 years, but the oldest known mallard was a remarkable 27 years old (at least) when he was shot in Arkansas in 2008. Like I said, people bad. 

Bleh okay, we’re journalists here so I should technically also note that mallards are considered an invasive species in some regions and that is a legitimate problem, buuuut we simply can’t solve every problem here today so shhhhh. That’s enough. I did my due diligence.

This might be my end-of-the-week fatigue talking, but writing this blog has made my admiration for the distinctive, adorable, and ubiquitous mallard grow into full-blown love and obsession. I hope reading it has done the same for you. Sincere thanks to the Discourse Blog reader who initially suggested we devote more time to ducks. A brilliant suggestion! A month wasn’t long enough, but frankly, no amount of time would be. That’s the price you pay for perfection.

Remember, you can check out our complete Bird of the Week list here, and get in touch with your bird suggestions—for a single bird, or a themed month like this one!—at hello@discourseblog.com.