Big Boy Mark Zuckerberg Needs His Beef

No longer is the beef of mortal men sufficient for this god, who demands flesh of his own creation.

Beef. Photo via Facebook/ Zuck

Mark Zuckerberg’s evolution as a public figure is pretty interesting to me. Here is a guy who is clearly a sort of odd nerd who, through a combination of ingenuity and allegedly ruthless greed, basically cornered the market on the defining technology of the early 21st century, making him one of the richest men on earth. This is not a man whose conscience is clean — he has the very literal deaths of thousands if not millions on his hands, thanks to his direct decisions as head of a company that has facilitated genocide, war, murder, and disinformation. And yet, when you compare him to, say, a gigantic petulant loser-baby like Elon Musk — actually the richest man in the world — Zuck seems… mostly normal?

Don’t get me wrong. In any sort of just society Mark Zuckerberg would have had his fortune eviscerated by state taxes and his technology nationalized and regulated by a democratic government so as to insulate its own people from the harm that it poses. But it is sort of funny to me that given unlimited money and a level of control over the flow of information that just a few years before would have seemed impossible, Mark Zuckerberg’s life now consists of being an extremely basic late 30s guy who got really into MMA and has made “steak” a large part of his personality. To whit:

Meta/ Zuck

The caption on this photo, which he posted to Facebook on Tuesday, reads:

Started raising cattle at Ko'olau Ranch on Kauai, and my goal is to create some of the highest quality beef in the world. The cattle are wagyu and angus, and they'll grow up eating macadamia meal and drinking beer that we grow and produce here on the ranch. We want the whole process to be local and vertically integrated. Each cow eats 5,000-10,000 pounds of food each year, so that's a lot of acres of macadamia trees. My daughters help plant the mac trees and take care of our different animals. We're still early in the journey and it's fun improving on it every season. Of all my projects, this is the most delicious.

This is probably the most normal of all of Zuck’s meat-related peculiarities, like the year he spent only eating animals he’d killed himself, and while sure, it’s not a great look for the guy who pushed out his neighbors to create a private exclusionary zone for himself on a colonized island in the South Pacific and taking up raising one of the most ecologically damaging livestock raised by man, I can’t help but be vaguely bemused by the fact that this is what a world-conquering titan of mass information actually wants to do with his time. Do I think his cows should be stolen in the dead of night and their meat butchered and handed out to native inhabitants of Hawaii? Yes, absolutely. Do I wish that Mark Zuckerberg gets bitten by that weird Texas tick that makes you incapable of eating red meat so that all things that bring him pleasure eventually come to bring him pain? Also yes. But the fact that one of the most powerful people in the world is either doing a relatively convincing impression of the most boring guy from your dorm room floor or is genuinely this lame is very funny to me. Look at that freak! All he wants is a big slab of beef! He’s making his own fat expensive cows to eat his big beefs! Wow. The best you can say about him is at least he’s not torturing his trans child while obsessively platforming the worst far-right conspiracies that come across his desk, unlike Musk. (I suppose Zuck doesn’t really need to do that because he has like four billion users of his boomer-ass website to do it for him, but still. Big beef boy. Big beefy lad. Big boy need his beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Anyway, it looks like there’s way too much fat on that tomahawk steak in the picture. Gross.