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The Matt Gaetz-Tucker Carlson Video Will Turn Your Brain to Mush

There has never been anything this weird and stupid before.

matt gaetz tucker carlson
Fox News

The video of Fox News monster Tucker Carlson interviewing Florida Republican congressional monster Matt Gaetz on Tuesday night is an instant historical artifact, a jewel of our times, a mind-blowing, synapse-exploding, gibberish-inducing fever dream that demands a response. Here are some hopefully not-too-scattered thoughts about it.

  1. Does Matt Gaetz have a lawyer? Did his lawyer fall into another portal of the space-time continuum? Is his lawyer trapped in a cave deep beneath the surface of the earth? Is he 20,000 leagues under the sea with no wi-fi available? I ask this because it’s the only reason I can find for someone who is apparently under investigation by the Justice Department for, as the New York Times reported, “whether he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old and paid for her to travel with him” to decide to speak to every media outlet who will listen, rather than to, y’know, NOT TALK OUT LOUD ABOUT IT.
  2. Wait, Matt Gaetz has heard of lawyers! He must have, because my research is showing that Matt Gaetz himself went to law school. Uh, thanks for letting me know not to enlist your services anytime, Matt!
  3. Anyway, Matt Gaetz went on Tucker Carlson’s show, and for once, the discussion was not “White People: Great Race or Greatest Race?” It was “Matt Gaetz: Huh?” For once, Carlson’s perpetual expression of “the Men in Black just pointed their light thing at me and wiped my brain and now I have to host a national television show” was warranted.
  4. Can I just point out how utterly weird these two people look? I think Carlson has lost some weight, which makes his head look extra-wobbly on the rest of him, and Matt Gaetz is so blow-dried and, I guess assembled is the only way I can put it, just a bizarre simulacrum of human (and, let’s face it, probably not-so-human) parts stitched together.
  5. Gaetz’s explanation for “why is the Justice Department investigating you” was “I am being extorted by a man named David McGee, also my father wore a wire, also the FBI is in on it.” McGee vociferously denied these claims. Carlson seemed, shall we say, bemused by them.
  6. Should you be saying on national television that your father wore a wire? Any lawyers in the house wanna field that?
  7. Gaetz repeatedly tried to tie Carlson to his rapidly sinking ship. “I’m not the only person on screen right now who has been falsely accused of a terrible sex act. You were accused of something that you did not do,” he said at one point. (“You just referred to a mentally ill viewer who accused me of a sex crime 20 years ago. And of course it was not true, I’d never met the person,” Carlson quickly responded.) Then there was this exquisite exchange:

    GAETZ: I can say that actually you and I went to dinner about two years ago, your wife was there and I brought a friend of mine. You’ll remember her. And she was actually threatened by the FBI, told that if she wouldn’t cop to the fact that somehow I was involved in some pay for play scheme, that she could face trouble. […]

    CARLSON: I don’t remember the woman you’re speaking of or the context at all, honestly.

    LMAO. Please don’t bring me or our surely odious relationship into this Matt!!!
  8. Gaetz flatly denied that he has ever had a relationship with a 17-year-old or paid for her travel, though he had previously told Axios, “I have definitely, in my single days, provided for women I’ve dated. You know, I’ve paid for flights, for hotel rooms. I’ve been, you know, generous as a partner. I think someone is trying to make that look criminal when it is not.” Again, why say this out loud? Who knows!
  9. The moment where the interview reached a higher level, when it was elevated from routine to gloriously dumb, came about seven minutes in, when Carlson threw up his hands:

    CARLSON: So, what happens next? I mean you can see there is this investigation, I guess a criminal investigation. I’m not quite sure what the sex trafficking part comes in. I don’t—again for the fifth time, I don’t really understand this story very well. 

    “FOR THE FIFTH TIME, I DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS STORY VERY WELL.” Let’s go home everyone, nothing more needs to be said.
  10. After it was done, Carlson said, “that was one of the weirdest interviews I’ve ever conducted.” Uh-huh!
  11. Fuck Matt Gaetz, fuck Tucker Carlson, fuck Fox News, they can all go to hell.
  12. Watch the interview below.