How do you recap everything that’s happened this past week? Where do you even begin?
Yes, things are almost certainly going to get worse before they begin to get (marginally at best) better come January 20. And no, I don’t have high hopes for a Biden administration to actually, y’know, do much of anything — god forbid he be seen as not respecting our precious norms!
After the truly hellacious wringer my brain has been put through over the past four years, it’s pretty incredible to realize there’s still enough serotonin left lurking in the folds of my grey matter to eke out a small feeling of joy. Because, at the risk of seeming extremely petty (I am) and taking pleasure in the pain of others (in this case? You betcha), it has been an absolute fucking delight to watch the various factions of the GOP melting down in some weird quantum combination of record speeds, and hilariously slow motion with each successive ballot dump.
Things will almost certainly get bad. The president is apparently in a real “only good news allowed in this bunker” mood these days. And boy can he still do some real damage on his way out the door, and beyond.
For now though, please enjoy this brief, fading sense of happiness — or at least something happiness-adjacent — at all this. Lord knows we’ve all earned it.
Eldest Hanson Isaac has some, uh, thoughts about the coronavirus pandemic that’s left nearly a quarter of a million people across the U.S. so far. You see, it’s not so much a “virus” as it is a government plot to cancel Christmas. At least, that’s what he seemed to imply in a lengthy Instagram post first clocked by Queerty.
HMMMBop 🤔, right?
Minnesota’s largest police union — the Police and Peace Officers Association — has got its batons all in a twist over a Twin Cities suburb’s choice of elementary school reading material. Specifically, the Association is blaming the governor for a local fourth grade class’ homework assignment on “Something Happened In Our Town” — a New York Times bestselling picture book about racial injustice which at one point has a character take the truly farfetched stance that police can be “mean to black people.” Quelle horreur!
“Our members deserve better from the state than to see their profession demonized,” the association wrote in a letter demanding Minnesota Gov. Tim Waltz block his departments of health and education from recommending the book.
In a statement responding to the officers feeling threatened by elementary school book reports, a Walz representative said simply that the governor was focusing on the “health and safety of Minnesotans.”
Speaking of cops and school kids, Kentucky’s State Police Commissioner abruptly resigned from his position this week, shortly after a Louisville high school student newspaper published slides from a Kentucky State Police training session which urged cadets to think of themselves as “ruthless killer[s]” and quotes Adolf Hitler liberally, including the axiom from his Mein Kampf claiming that the “very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.”
Now-former commissioner Rodney Brewer did not publicly offer a specific reason for his surprise departure, nor did Kentucky Gov. Andy Beashar, who told the media that after decades of serving in law enforcement, “I’m just going to thank him for his service. That’s what he deserves.”
In addition to using three quotes by Hitler in the training presentation — which the state police claim hadn’t been used since 2013 — one slide also featured photographs of all-white police units standing alongside quotes from Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee.
Some assembly required
I honestly don’t know if this is the most painfully brilliant piece of meta-satire on, y’know, everything, or if there’s someone out there broken enough to create this as a genuine attempt to inspire people. I think it’s the former, but if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s not to get my hopes up. I leave it to you to decide:
Winner Winner COVID Dinner
Adeceased candidate in a Bismarck-area state legislative race appears to have won a seat, along with his Republican running mate.
David Andahl, 55, of Baldwin, died Oct. 5 from COVID-19. He and Dave Nehring, of Bismarck, teamed up to win District 8 Republicans’ endorsements and voters’ nominations for House.
Eric Urbas watched presidential election results trickle in from Illinois, where he was staying overnight for a work trip Tuesday. He wasn’t paying attention to the local races back home in northeastern Minnesota until text messages flooded in with a surprise.
He’d been voted mayor of his tiny hometown, upsetting Ely’s three-term incumbent, Chuck Novak.
Urbas, 31, filed to run for Ely mayor last spring but dropped out of the race in August, citing health problems, which he has not disclosed publicly. His name remained on the ballot because it was too late to change them.
Knox on wood
Here is just a real 👀 tweet I thought you should see:
The brands are at it again
…But in this rare instance, I’ll allow it:
Santa Claus is c– oh. Oh no.
His what, now?
Take a gander
Look, if you’re not bringing a goose to your next protest, then why the hell are you even leaving the house?
This whole damn week, huh?
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: email@example.com