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Man, What the Hell?

Man, What The Hell? I’m Tired Edition

Plus Yodels, Zambonis, and a very happy birthday to the wrong Trump.

Crossbow Productions, Warner Brothers

Boy has it been A Week, huh folks?

If you’re just joining us as a new subscriber, welcome to Man, What The Hell? This is our weekly roundup of all the underserved, unappreciated, or just un-ignorable news stories that made the Discourse Blog staff stop and ask themselves “man, just… w-what the hell??” It’s great. You’ll love it (if you’re not new here, well, welcome back, I guess. How’s your week been? How are you? Everything okay? Cool).

I suppose I should use this time to remind everyone, newly subscribed and longtime readers alike, to check out the various new bells and whistles on our shiny, newly launched website. And if you want, sure, you can go ahead and do that. I won’t stop you. But honestly this week has left me so goddamned exhausted — from launching the new site, sure, but also from arguing about bad breakfast food and worrying about the (extremely terrible) future of the Supreme Court — that the best I can do is feebly point you further down this page, where you’ll find the all the best (worst) and brightest (dumbest) news that’s fit to print. Or something. Wheeeee.


Lederhosed

I ask you: who could have guessed that yodeling aka, blasting out air from your lungs at maximally annoying volume) might just represent a major vector for the coronavirus to spread from person to person? Everyone? Everyone could have guessed that?

WRONG.

For proof, I ask you to look no further than Schwyz canton, Switzerland, site of a recent yodeling showcase attended by some 600 people which is now being assessed as the epicenter of a recent massive uptick in COVID infections across the region.

“We can’t do anything about what happened with this yodeling group. We found out nine days after the performances that several people from the group were infected,” yodel organizer Beat Hegner reportedly told a local television station.

Personally, this seems like the sort of thing that would have been a no brainer before the yodelers in question started exhaling all over one another, but yodelayheewho am I to second guess the professionals?

Zamboh-no

I think at this point in the waning months of this unfathomably cursed hell-year, we can safely retire the phrase “dumpster fire” as being wholly inadequate to our needs of describing just how bugfuck bad the world has gotten. To that end, I am thrilled to submit “Zamboni inferno” as a suitable upgrade, insomuch as it not only brings to mind the scorching flames of perdition but also serves as an affront to god and science alike. Fire? On ice? Truly this is the metaphor we deserve.

Not-so-Finestein

Fresh off her appallingly bad attempt to make ultra-conservative Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett’s nomination process seem like a kumbaya singalong, rather than an all-out dogfight for the future of the court, California Democrat Dianne Feinstein is finally reaping what she glibly sowed, with reproductive health juggernaut NARAL openly calling for her removal as the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Because she “offered an appearance of credibility to the proceedings that is wildly out of step with the American people,” the group wrote in a statement released Friday. “We believe the committee needs new leadership.”

Folks, do you hate to see it?

Shoot him out of a…well, you know…

If I were Nick Cannon, celebrity comic, actor, and popular television hose, and if I were still in the process of navigating the potentially career-ending consequences of having done some deeeeeeply anti-Semitic shit, I would simply not host one of the world’s most high profile white nationalists on my radio show, and call our time together “intense and intriguing”

Personally, that’s just something I wouldn’t do. Y’now. If it were me.

And speaking of…

Ginni Thom..ick

Similarly, If my husband were a Supreme Court justice in the middle of a hugely contentious fight over who should be his next colleague, I would simply not do whatever…this is:

🎶Sisters, doing it for themselves🎶

Let’s check in on the adventures of the lady Trumps this week. Did you know it was Tiffany’s birthday? Ivanka did! Unfortunately, she didn’t know her little sister’s actual Twitter handle, which seems like the sort of thing you’d probably expect from someone with “Trump” in their screenname.

Perhaps spurred on by the fact that she’d fucked up her own sister’s birthday Tweet, it seems like Ivanka is doing some very important, much-needed pruning to her timeline in this, the year of our lord two thousand and twenty.

Tiffany, meanwhile, was just announced as host of a Pride event for her father’s reelection campaign, which is certainly a choice, I suppose.

Malala land

As the nights get longer, and the air gets colder, please feel free to warm yourself by the heat of this absolutely savage roast by friggin Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai:

And finally:

Daniel, take us away…


Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: mwth@discourseblog.com