What do you call a half-hearted attempt to subvert not only an entire election, but the concept of elections as a whole, all to placate the fragile squishy ego of an aging fast food junkie who can’t — or won’t — bring himself to understand why people might not like him? Do you call it a coup? Do you call it a grift?
Frankly, I really don’t care (do u?)
Ultimately, the next two months before Joe Biden’s (presumptive) inauguration are gonna be both a sprint and a marathon — a rushed attempt to just get the fuck to the finish line as fast as we can, with as little damage as possible, while at the same time knowing that every day contains a million different ways for Trump to irrevocably fuck up, well, pretty much everything.
It’s gonna be exhausting. It’s gonna be exhilarating. For the purposes of Discourse Blog, it’s gonna be content.
Honestly, I have no idea what the next two months are gonna look like. But I know with absolute certainty from the bottom of my terrible stomach to the top of my terrible brain, there will be an embarrassment of riches for reasons to say “Man, what the hell?”
In any case….
Some real Kochhead shit
There are very few people on Earth who have had a more deleterious influence on our entire species than Charles Koch, one half of the cartoonishly evil Koch Brothers political machine and a man who has spent a lifetime and several fortunes to make sure the United States — and by extension, the rest of the planet — is as partisan, and polluted, as humanly possible.
But Koch, now in his mid-80s, would like you to know that he’s real sorry about all the horrible stuff he unleashed upon the unsuspecting public, and he’d sure like to help make things better now.
Per the Wall Street Journal, which obtained a copy of Koch’s forthcoming foray into airport-bookstore pablum, Charles has suddenly — allegedly — realized that decades of shoveling money to Republican ghouls might be bad, actually.
“Boy, did we screw up! What a mess!” he writes in Believe in People: Bottom-Up Solutions for a Top-Down World, scheduled to be released next week. And like, yeah dude, that’s a pretty big whoopsie-doodle!
As the Journal notes, he’s not actually sorry enough to fully pivot from his tried and true habit of funding Republican political ventures, though. According to the Journal, his 2020 political donations went to the GOP over Democrats by a margin of almost 10-1.
Ass not what your country can do for you…
Here is a quote from Lothar Wieler, president of Germany’s CDC equivalent Robert Koch Institute, regarding his country’s skyrocketing Coronavirus rates:
We have to clench our butt cheeks together for another couple of months yet.
Can any doctors reading this weight in on whether or not this is an effective COVID treatment method?
Frankly, if those government eggheads over in Switzerland are gonna do something crazy like amend their legal code to make it illegal to write off your illegal bribes for a tax break, then god, what kind of world are we even giving our children, huh? I mean, christ, you can’t even deduct the money you used finance your criminal operation anymore?
Jesus, Switzerland, I thought you were cool?
Did you miss Katherine’s cat this week? Here it is.
Bari the hatchet
LGBTQ Community: Hey, this book is deeply transphobic.
Author: Help, I am being canceled for my ideas!
Bari, formerly of the New York Times: Ok, how can I make this about me?
There are many ways to cook a chicken. You can fry it, grill it, bake it, and, apparently, blast it with heat from Earth’s own fiery aquatic furnace — that last one being the method of choice for three unfortunate outdoorsmen who are now banned from Yellowstone National Park for attempting to make a delicious dinner in one of the park’s hot spring geysers.
The trio were discovered hauling their intended meal in a burlap sack toward Shoshane Geyser Basin by a park ranger last summer, and as of this week are now forbidden from entering the park for two whole years. That’s on top of the nearly two thousand dollars in cumulative fines, and a sentence of several nights in jail for two of the three men.
I mean, look, if you really want fried chicken that bad, there’s always….
Fowl play suspected
Kimberly Ragsdale is not a licensed agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, nor is she a member of any other sort of law enforcement agency. That didn’t stop her from attempting to scam a free Chick-fil-A in Rockmark, GA, where she was arrested last week for impersonating a cop — going so far as to demand “backup” into an imaginary mic in her shirt collar, while police were in the process of detaining her.
More like “Turkmansbestfriendistan”
Lesson for all you aspiring dictators and authoritarian yoohoos — You Donald Trumps and Boris Johnsons and Jair Bolsonaros out there. You are absolute horseshit amateurs and fucking clownshoe pretenders. Just fucking quit while you can, if you’re not able to muster even a fraction of the gleefully deranged energy of Turkmenistan’s resident Dentist/DJ/Author/Dr. Evil-esque leader, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov.
Here’s what you need to know: He hates black cars, and loves his dog. So much so, in fact, that this week he dedicated a fifty foot statue of his beloved Alabai in the country’s capital city of Ashgabat.
Absolute alpha shit. Incredible flex. Almost makes you forget about all the grotesque human rights violations.
Smithers, release the robo-hounds
Suppose you’re the Japanese town of Takikawa. And suppose you have a serious bear problem, thanks to a shortage of natural fruits and nuts that have forced multiple ursine intruders into populated areas in search of food. What do you do, hot shot? Who do you turn to in your hour of need?
Well, if you’re the town of Takikawa, you install a giant robotic wolf, of course, as that’s clearly the easiest and most straightforward option when it comes to roving bears.
“We want to let the bears know, ‘Human settlements aren’t where you live,'” Yuji Ota, who runs the company which manufactures the howling red eyed robo-wolves, explained to Japan’s Mainichi newspaper. He also added that the mechanical wolves, would ultimately “help with the co-existence of bears and people.”
Fresh off his ultimately not-so-surprising victory over incumbent Doug Jones, Alabama’s incoming Republican senator Tommy Tuberville, formerly of “training college students to smash into each other at reckless speeds,” opined on the state of American politics to Alabama Daily News‘ Todd Stacy. Unfortunately for Tuberville — and even more unfortunately for the people of Alabama — Tommy only served to reinforce his proximity to deteriorating mental faculties already established in his long career coaching college football. He claimed the three branches of government were “you know, the House, the Senate, and the executive” (do we know this, Tommy?), argued that World War II was a battle to “free Europe of socialism” (actually, we fought with the socialists against the fascists), and insisted Al Gore was officially president-elect for a month after the 2000 election (nice try, but, no.)
Give it a listen, and then try not to punch your entire fist through your computer screen. Have fun!
May this be the weekend where you finally have the nerve to say “no.”
What to? Whatever you want, man. That’s up to you.
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: email@example.com