Today in “what’s up with peoples’ face”: what is up with Keir Starmer’s face?
Keir Starmer is the leader of the Labour Party in the UK. He is objectively shitty for a wide variety of reasons, and one day I will blog about his stupid war on the Labour left and his ineffectual wooing of the maniacs in the British press and his botched handling of the pandemic, but today I can’t blog about those things because…what’s happening with his face????
Starmer is attempting to tell the BBC about how he wants some COVID rules in England to be altered, but let’s be real: nobody is listening to that, they’re all focused on the insanity in his facial area. Did Keir stare directly at the sun for 700 hours? Is this some sort of skincare routine? Nuclear accident? The other day I got a cherry ice on the street and it was dripping all over me and I joked that I looked like I’d committed a murder because of all the red stuff on my hands and, indeed, legs, that’s how drippy it was—is that what’s happening with Keir, except all over his face? (PS the cherry ice was disgusting, 0 stars don’t recommend.)
He looks like Donald Trump if he’d turned the dial from orange to red. He looks like that Arrested Development bit where Lucille (RIP) got a chemical peel.
Anyone who encounters The Face is changed forever. You start out one way, then you see The Face, and nothing is ever the same again. The Keir Starmer Face has altered your very soul. Here is irrefutable evidence of this fact, starring my beloved colleague Paul:
And so I have blogged it. Keir Starmer, I must ask you one last time…what’s the deal with the face???