Since assuming office this past January, first term North Carolina Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn has proven himself to be many things: a habitual fabulist, an unapologetic antisemite, an enthusiastic bigot, someone you should definitely not have around any woman, and a shameless seditionist, to name just a few. He’s also the future of the Republican Party, and the mold through which the GOP will inevitably pump out more and more conservo-fascists in its tiki-torched march toward overt ethnonationalism.
While a lot of ink has been spilled across many column inches to explore Cawthorn’s dubious personal narrative and the implications of his frequent dalliances with racism, there’s another, more fundamental question to be asked — one which, to the best of my knowledge, has yet to be addressed in any meaningful way: is Madison Cawthorn incredibly dumb?
Exhibit A) This Tweet
Like Helen of Troy’s face launching a thousand ships, this right here is the tweet that launched the investigation which follows. I ask you: is this a tweet written by a guy who is dumb?
A close inspection shows all the hallmarks of a dumb guy tweet: a tortured attempt to sound very casual (“a great fiction novel to read”) about the most obvious, 8th-grade book report observation. And underneath it all, there’s a desperate hunger for praise of his penetrating literary analysis. “Look at me!” he crows, “I figure it out! The book, which is fiction because it’s not true, is actually about politics, which is true.” Congratulations dude, you’ve correctly identified…well, its not even subtext. It’s just “text.” Also, it’s important to ask: what the fuck is he actually talking about, anyway? Is this just a general observation from off the top of his extremely flat head, or is there something specific troubling his teeny tiny mind? Maybe he’s afraid of rats?
This wasn’t exactly mind-blowing stuff in middle school, and yet here is Cawthorn, a 25-year-old United States congressman, hoping to rack up pats on the back for his brilliant exegesis. Dumb guys absolutely thrive on being lauded for successfully scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Congratulations, moron. You get a D+ because at least everything is spelled correctly.
Exhibit B) His Notes
I don’t care that Madison’s handwriting is awful. It doesn’t matter. What’s important here is the actual prose, which is dumb as fuck. These aren’t letters between two legislative powerhouses so much as it’s Cawthorn drawing upon a rich history of writing “smell ya later” in his buddies’ yearbooks. If you’ve gotta parenthetically explain that you’re making “a joke written in good taste” then you’ve already given up the game.
Bro, my dude, HAGS staving off the gnar socialist take-over, ya little turd (JK JK JK).
This is dumb guy talk run through Google Translate set to “how dumb guys think smart guys talk.” Moron.
Exhibit C) His Gun Whoopsie
Remember that time when Cawthorn “accidentally” shoved a Glock and full magazine of ammo into his carry-on bag with just seven minutes to go before his flight? Oops!
Classic dumb guy move.
Exhibit D) Misc.
- He punches trees(?) and misses(??)
- He flubs basic history over and over and over.
- I’dunno man.
- He’s a wife guy.
- More like “VatiCAN’T”
- This dumb-looking picture of him:
After this detailed, and extremely thorough analysis of the facts available to us, the overwhelming data points to one unavoidable conclusion: Freshman Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn is an incredibly dumb guy.