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Fever Swamp

You’ll Never Guess Where the Kid Who Was Scared of ‘Beloved’ Works Now

Nice of his mom to use a GOP campaign ad to dunk on him, though.

Screenshot / Twitter, Glenn Youngkin

I wish I loved anything as much as Fairfax, Virginia mother Laura Murphy seems to love reminding the world that her son is a huge, diaper-filling pissbaby. I’m serious.

Here’s Laura in a just-released ad from Virginia Gubernatorial candidate Glenn Youngkin, a ghoulish parasite hoping to leech his way into elected office by affixing himself to Donald Trump’s scabrous political jock. Watch as a very serious Murphy very seriously describes what happened when her then-teenaged son Blake — now a large adult son with a very important job in politics — was assigned Toni Morrison’s Pulitzer and Nobel prize-winning Beloved, one of the most acclaimed novels of the 20th Century, in his high school AP english class during his senior year.

Scandalous subject matter in our nation’s public school system! Who will stand up and defend our poor fragile sons! Stop the presses!

In a 2013 interview with the Washington Post given in immediate aftermath of her son’s terrifying encounter with literature, Murphy insisted “I don’t shelter my kids” while describing how she waged a multi-year war to ban Beloved from the Fairfax county school system (Blake, for his part, claimed the book was “disgusting and gross” which seems pretty reasonable considering it’s about the horrors American slavery).

Okay, so mom gives interview telling the world her son had “nightmares” as a senior because he read a scary book. Mortifying shit, right? Had Blake not been in a freshman at the University of Florida by the time the WaPo piece was published, it’s hard not to imagine him getting stuffed into every single locker in Northern Virginia. But then, nearly a decade later, mom decides to throw salt in her precious poopsie-schmoopsikin’s wound by appearing in a widely circulated campaign ad to make sure the world knows once and for all that her son — who at the time was either a legal adult, or was about to be — had been vewy scawed by his high school english course.

This would all be hilarious in and of itself, but what truly elevates Murphy’s crusade to enshrine her *ahem* beloved son in the halls of pissbabydom is the fact that this scared little boy who couldn’t hack an AP reading assignment is now associate general counsel for the National Republican Congressional Committee. Yes, the man whose job it is to make sure the Republican party is following the law is the very same person who famously couldn’t sleep through the night after some scary words made him think too hard.

There’s probably some sort of lesson here about failing upward, or “cancel culture” being a crock of shit, or just the general shameless hypocrisy of the Republican party, but all I really can think about is how one of the top legal minds in the American conservative movement simply cannot escape the fact that he once had to tell mommy that his homework was too scary.