One of the nice things about not living in New York City is that I’m able to look at their absolute turdburger of a mayoral race, and appreciate it from afar for what it is: a ship of fools slowly sinking in the dumbest ocean possible.
And yet! As a former New Yorker with friends and family and colleagues who still live in the city, I can’t wholly divest myself from the political clown car shlepping the city to who-knows-where. Like it or not, the lives of people I care about will inevitably be affected by whomever claws their way to the top of this shit mountain of candidates, and so I am forced — deeply against my will — to give something resembling a damn about who New York’s next mayor is.
Which is why I am here, shouting at maximum volume from highest peak of the highest mountain that: ERIC ADAMS IS AN ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL FREAK!!!!!
Here’s a completely psychotic thing he told Vanity Fair just this week:
What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?
Curtis Mayfield at the Wingate Concert Series. At that concert there was a rainstorm and the lights fell on Curtis Mayfield and they actually paralyzed him at that concert. He died a few years ago, but it was an amazing concert before that happened. Just so unfortunate.
Taken at face value, this is completely deranged. His absolute, all-time favorite concert was watching a beloved musical icon get crushed under a concert-grade lighting rig, never to walk again? What? WHAT??
Oh, but it get so much worse, because according to a contemporaneous LA Times review of the show:
Mayfield, composer of such classic R&B; tunes as “People Get Ready” and “Superfly,” was about to begin performing at Windgate Field when a gust of wind dislodged an unstable scaffold of overhead stage lights and sent the tower crashing down on him.
So Adam’s absolute best concert memory was watching Curtis Mayfield get paralyzed from the next down in a freak accident and he never even performed????? W H A T T H E F U C K?????
Oh, and remember that weirdo video where Adams gives parents step by step instructions on how to spy and narc on their kids?
Turns out he still thinks it’s great!
“Keep in mind, this came from parents,” he told VF. “Back when I was in the state Senate, a group of parents came to me because they were finding that their children were using drugs. They didn’t know what to look for. I think it’s so unfortunate that parents find out about what their children are doing when it’s too late. I thought that video was right on time.”
“People look now and say, he’s trying to turn homes into policing states,” he continued. “No. If a person is selling drugs in your home and that home is raided, everyone goes: grandma, grandpa, children go to ACS. We need to empower parents with the skills so that they can stay up to date on how to protect their families.”
Personally, I think threatening grandparents with prison time because little Johnny is selling weed gummies from his bedroom is more of an indictment on Adams’ sense of right and wrong than any sort of justification for turning a home into a surveillance target…
Also, is it just me or does that look an awwwwful lot like a bottle of lube on his shelf?
Anyway! Here’s something insane Adams said just last month during an interview with the Orthodox Jewish interest publication, Mishpacha (emphasis mine):
You just came from Times Square, where a shooting sadly injured three people, including a four-year-old girl. You have a proposal on how to counter crime, but most of it deals with getting guns off the streets. Our community doesn’t have a problem with gun violence; most anti-Semitic violence are assaults. Do you have a proposal with the same level of detail on how to counter this?
First of all, your concerns are real. And as Jewish Americans, you should always be concerned, coming from probably one of the most horrific experiences known to man. Representing Brooklyn, which I like to say is the Tel Aviv of America, we have one of the largest Jewish populations in America, and this is one of the issues that is always on my mind, not only as constituents but as friends.
What….the fuck? What does any of that mean? Here is the exponentially bizarre path of Adams’ answer:
- Random Times Square gun violence →
- Jewish Americans should “always be concerned” because of…the Holocaust? →
- Brooklyn is Tel Aviv!
If any of that makes sense to you, I strongly urge you to see a neurologist right away, because there is something truly wonky going on in your brain.
Then there’s this:
Of all the candidates, you are closest to the Orthodox community. Why are all the endorsements going to Andrew Yang?
Those leaders, I don’t believe they are speaking on behalf of the people. All of a sudden they see this shiny new toy of Andrew Yang, they see him 24 points up in the poll, so they said, let’s all go here right away.
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life was not investing in Microsoft when my buddy came and told me, “Hey, this is a good investment.” He is worth millions now. That is what I say to the Jewish community: You have invested in this candidate. We have been together for 15 or 20 years. The second you see that the shiny new toy is no longer so shiny, and Eric’s message is getting out, don’t allow someone else to take your investment away. I am your Microsoft.
I can’t remember the last time Word didn’t shit the bed the moment I tried to indent a paragraph or add some bullet points or something. But hey, you wanna be Microsoft? Cool man. Cool.
Here’s the Israel question. If elected, do you plan on doing the job New York City mayors have traditionally done, to be an advocate for Israel?
I’ve visited Israel twice, I am going back again, and I am going to try to find a plot of land so it can be my retirement place. I love the people of Israel, the food, the culture, the dance, everything about Israel.
Where in Israel do you plan on retiring?
(Laughs) In the Golan Heights.
Save it for your Birthright WhatsApp group, you weirdo. Jesus Christ, you’ve been twice and you’re already talking about buying land in disputed territory that Israel itself has mulled giving back to Syria after half a century of occupation? What sort of freak “notice me senpai” shit is this?! What is going on inside your mind, Eric Adams!?
Look, Eric Adams is a c-o-p COP who has bad ideas about how to run New York, a city in which he may not even live. But even if none of that were true, he’s still an absolute lunatic freak who says insane things like he’s playing a deranged game of chicken with everyone’s brain. The only reason to vote for him is to give him an even bigger platform to say even more insane things until, eventually, he says something so bugfuck crazy that his administration collapses in on itself and blinks out of existence entirely. But honestly? It doesn’t seem worth it.