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What Does Minnesota Have to Do to Get People to Stop Creating Freakishly Large Invasive Goldfish

What is going on????

A news report about a 'goldfish invasion' in Minnesota

Dear people of Minnesota: what is the deal with you and goldfish?

This is not a question I thought I would be asking, but I must ask it, because Minnesota is apparently drowning in goldfish issues.

The saga begins in the Minneapolis-area city of Burnsville. The city went viral recently for telling people to please stop throwing their goldfish away because the goldfish were becoming freaky super-sized goldfish.

These are indeed wildly big goldfish, though some people professed themselves sniffily above it all. “Do people not know that goldfish grow big?” Rafi asked in our Slack. “I assumed that was common knowledge?” Sorry not everyone is a major goldfish expert!

Rafi should have had a little more humility as a Minnesota resident because it turns out that this is a veritable scourge. First of all, the Burnsville problem is continuing to rage out of control, as none other than the Associated Press reported today (emphasis mine):

On Monday, 18 additional fish were found. Some were 18 inches (46 centimeters) long and weighed about 4 pounds (1.8 kilograms). […]

Burnsville officials have worked with Carp Solutions, a startup company that develops new technologies for controlling carp, a larger cousin of goldfish.

18 additional fish that were so big they had to turn to a company whose sole focus is a different, larger fish! This is wild!

But you can’t even call this the “Burnsville goldfish problem,” because the plague did not begin or end in Burnsville. After Rafi stopped being all superior about his goldfish expertise, he tracked down this news item about Chaska (“Chaska’s way out in the outer ring burbs,” he said, adding, “lawless country, no rules”) from last month:

Yes, the title of this segment is “GOLDFISH INVASION.” But wait, it gets even crazier!

This is what happened when I googled “chaska lake”:

Videos going back TWO YEARS, and all about the same problem: goldfish invasions. What the hell is going on in Minnesota???? When I asked Rafi, he said, “I have no idea! I know the DNR is very concerned about Minnesota’s waterways. Asian jumping carp was a big concern for a while too. And zebra mussels.”

There you have it: Minnesota is constantly besieged by fish problems. Wake up America!!!