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I am, for the most part, not a violent person. I’ve been in exactly one fight in my life (if you even wanna call it that: I got punched in the head one Halloween, and hit the ground immediately) and have no plans to replicate that experience anytime soon. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never raised my fists in anger, and am extremely cognizant of the fact that I’m simply a huge wimp.


The Bears and Me

I say all that as preamble to the following video, which I’ve seen probably a dozen times on Twitter already this morning. No spoilers, just watch:


My cousin Hailey yeeted a bear off her fence today and saved her dogs. How was your Memorial Day?! (WTF?!) #ohno #badass #brave #fight #bear

♬ Oh No – Kreepa

My Memorial Day was lovely, thank you for asking, as I did not tempt fate by slapping one of nature’s perfect killing machines in the face. But now I’m forced to ask myself: what would I have done in this situation? I’d like to think I would have summoned the requisite fortitude to cannonball straight into several hundred pounds of fur and murder. I imagine myself rushing out there like one of those mothers who lifts a sedan off a trapped child, all pumped full of adrenaline and hysteria, and doing what “cousin Hailey” did — whammo! Right in the bear’s big furry face. Take THAT, Smokey! On the other hand, I am, as I mentioned previously, a giant wuss. It’s just as likely that I would have stood in the doorway flinging silverware at the thing until someone slightly more competent actually took over to do something useful. Truly, I hope I never find out.

To be clear, there are a lot of questions left unanswered in this video: What sort of bear are we talking about here (ursine experts, pls weigh in)? Was there was something in the yard attracting the bear, beyond the promise of sweet, sweet dog meat? Does cousin Hailey have any previous experience with the martial arts, or other forms of bear combat? All we know is what we’re shown here. So I ask you, dear reader:

Would you punch the bear?

Weigh in below.