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Last week, while hard at work cranking out the good blogs you know and love, I was interrupted by a banging on my office door, followed by my three-year-old son, “G,” barging in to demand that I “stop working, it’s so annoying.” Fucking owned.
Inspired by G’s ruthless parsimony and keen understanding of how I spend the bulk of my time, I thought I’d use this week’s What Now to see what other insights he might have on the many pressing topics of the day. As you might expect from a conversation with someone who still wears diapers, this interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Discourse Blog: Okay G, what am I going to do?
DB: I’m going to ask you questions
DB: For work…
G: Yeah! Website!
DB: Website, right. Do you know the name of the website?
G: Website friend!
DB: Okay. What do you think about fair labor practices?
G: I think I was asking something to you and your friend [Discourse Blog‘s Jack Mirkinson], and I know’d it!
DB: Okay. Do you like “Paw Patrol”?
G: I like Marshal, a red fire-pup.
DB: Who’s the police pup?
DB: Chase, right. Do you think it’s weird that the Paw Patrol is not employed by the city?
DB: Who should their boss be?
DB: Interesting. But Ryder is a child. Don’t you think there should be some sort of adult oversight or citizen review board?
DB: Who would you put on that board?
G: [Paw Patrol construction dog] Rubble
DB: But Rubble is already on the Paw Patrol. Isn’t it problematic to have them policing themselves?
G: … Want to see this? [Holds up action figure]
DB: I see. Do you think we should abolish the police?
G: Oh, right, yeah!
DB: What would we do instead of having a police force?
G: …We’d… cause crimes?…
DB: Who, exactly, would cause these crimes?
G: Um..the police.
DB: What kind of crimes would the police cause?
G: [Ominously] Bad guys.
DB: Do you know any police officers?
G: Yup. Chase! He catches crimes. Ow ow ow ow ow!
[At this point G stops the interview to hit himself in the head with an action figure]
DB: Okay. If Chase catches a bad guy, what should happen next?
G: I would take him to jail.
G: The police.
DB: I see. And what would happen when the police were in jail?
G: They would get out, and catch me.
DB: Why, have you done something wrong?
G: …Took stuff…
DB: You mean your brother’s action figure?
G: [Nods sadly]
DB: Let’s talk about labor. Do you want to work?
G: Yeah. Clean up.
DB: You’d like to work in janitorial services?
G: Yeah, I can clean up toys.
DB: Do you think the people who work in janitorial services should be paid a fair wage?
DB: How much should they be paid?
G: [Holds up 4 fingers.]
[G spends the next five minutes ignoring questions about Medicare for All, the “force the vote” movement, and the US’s declining role as a global superpower.]
DB: What do you think about the US withdrawal from Afghanistan?
DB: Would you like to go to Afghanistan someday? What do you think they have there?
G: … Toys?
DB: Probably, yes. Where else would you like to visit?
G: Your friend [Jack Mirkinson]
DB: What do you think about the Biden Administration’s response to the coronavirus pandemic?
G: Good! [gives thumbs up]
DB: What are you going to do when you get vaccinated?
G: Go to grammy and papas!
DB: What do you think about the people who refuse to get the shot? Do you think they’re being responsible or irresponsible?
DB: But if they’re doing something that endangers other people, what should happen to them?
G: They’ll get dead!
DB: But what about the other people who get dead because of their actions?
G: Well, they have to go to the doctor.
DB: What about the people who eat horse paste?
DB: Would you eat horse paste?
DB: What medicines do you take?
G: Real medicines. Horse medicines are not tasty and make you take the fever away.
DB: Ah, but they also make you poop a lot.
G: What?! Poop a LOT? How do you get that to stop?
DB: Well you don’t take the horse paste medicine.
G: Okay, I won’t…
[At this point G’s older brother H — age six — demands to be interviewed too. Rather than reinvent the wheel, we chose to rehash the same subject covered already.]
DB: H, what do you think about Afghanistan?
H: Well, I think…whacking my tush!!! [recording featured audible slapping sounds]
DB…okay. Well, what do you think about President Biden’s response to the coronavirus pandemic?
H: Great things!
[G interjects that he, too, is “whacking his tush.” Chaos reigns]
DB: When you’re able to get the COVID shot, are you going to get it?
H: Yes, but also when they give it to me, I’m gonna kick them in the crotch!
DB: And what do you think should be the consequence for people who refuse to get the shot?
H: [Slow, measured] They are terrible and they should go to jail for life.
DB: I see. Thank you both for your time.