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An In-Depth Interview With My Son About Today’s World

I thought I'd use this week's What Now to see what insights he might have on the many pressing topics of the day.

Rafi Schwartz

Discourse Blog’s premium newsletter, What Now, was on a summer break. But now we’re back! And to celebrate, we’re sharing the latest What Now with all of you. What Now comes out every two weeks and features interviews, reviews, gossip, meanderings, and anything else we can think of. To get What Now delivered straight to your email, sign up for our Steward tier.

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Last week, while hard at work cranking out the good blogs you know and love, I was interrupted by a banging on my office door, followed by my three-year-old son, “G,” barging in to demand that I “stop working, it’s so annoying.” Fucking owned.

Inspired by G’s ruthless parsimony and keen understanding of how I spend the bulk of my time, I thought I’d use this week’s What Now to see what other insights he might have on the many pressing topics of the day. As you might expect from a conversation with someone who still wears diapers, this interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Discourse Blog: Okay G, what am I going to do?

G: *burp*

DB: I’m going to ask you questions

G: Yeah!

DB: For work…

G: Yeah! Website!

DB: Website, right. Do you know the name of the website?

G: Website friend!

DB: Okay. What do you think about fair labor practices?

G: I think I was asking something to you and your friend [Discourse Blog‘s Jack Mirkinson], and I know’d it!

DB: Okay. Do you like “Paw Patrol”?

G: I like Marshal, a red fire-pup.

DB: Who’s the police pup?

G: Um…Chase?

DB: Chase, right. Do you think it’s weird that the Paw Patrol is not employed by the city?

G: Yeah.

DB: Who should their boss be?

G: Ryder.

DB: Interesting. But Ryder is a child. Don’t you think there should be some sort of adult oversight or citizen review board?

G: Yeah!

DB: Who would you put on that board?

G: [Paw Patrol construction dog] Rubble

DB: But Rubble is already on the Paw Patrol. Isn’t it problematic to have them policing themselves?

G: … Want to see this? [Holds up action figure]

DB: I see. Do you think we should abolish the police?

G: Oh, right, yeah!

DB: What would we do instead of having a police force?

G: …We’d… cause crimes?…

DB: Who, exactly, would cause these crimes?

G: Um..the police.

DB: What kind of crimes would the police cause?

G: [Ominously] Bad guys.

DB: Do you know any police officers?

G: Yup. Chase! He catches crimes. Ow ow ow ow ow!

[At this point G stops the interview to hit himself in the head with an action figure]

DB: Okay. If Chase catches a bad guy, what should happen next?

G: I would take him to jail.

DB: Who?

G: The police.

DB: I see. And what would happen when the police were in jail?

G: They would get out, and catch me.

DB: Why, have you done something wrong?

G: …Took stuff…

DB: You mean your brother’s action figure?

G: [Nods sadly]

DB: Let’s talk about labor. Do you want to work?

G: Yeah. Clean up.

DB: You’d like to work in janitorial services?

G: Yeah, I can clean up toys.

DB: Do you think the people who work in janitorial services should be paid a fair wage?

G: [Nods]

DB: How much should they be paid?

G: [Holds up 4 fingers.]

[G spends the next five minutes ignoring questions about Medicare for All, the “force the vote” movement, and the US’s declining role as a global superpower.]

DB: What do you think about the US withdrawal from Afghanistan?

G: [shrugs]

DB: Would you like to go to Afghanistan someday? What do you think they have there?

G: … Toys?

DB: Probably, yes. Where else would you like to visit?

G: Your friend [Jack Mirkinson]

DB: What do you think about the Biden Administration’s response to the coronavirus pandemic?

G: Good! [gives thumbs up]

DB: What are you going to do when you get vaccinated?

G: Go to grammy and papas!

DB: What do you think about the people who refuse to get the shot? Do you think they’re being responsible or irresponsible?

G: Both!

DB: But if they’re doing something that endangers other people, what should happen to them?

G: They’ll get dead!

DB: But what about the other people who get dead because of their actions?

G: Well, they have to go to the doctor.

DB: What about the people who eat horse paste?

G: Yuck!

DB: Would you eat horse paste?

G: Yuck!!

DB: What medicines do you take?

G: Real medicines. Horse medicines are not tasty and make you take the fever away.

DB: Ah, but they also make you poop a lot.

G: What?! Poop a LOT? How do you get that to stop?

DB: Well you don’t take the horse paste medicine.

G: Okay, I won’t…

[At this point G’s older brother H — age six — demands to be interviewed too. Rather than reinvent the wheel, we chose to rehash the same subject covered already.]

DB: H, what do you think about Afghanistan?

H: Well, I think…whacking my tush!!! [recording featured audible slapping sounds]

DB…okay. Well, what do you think about President Biden’s response to the coronavirus pandemic?

H: Great things!

[G interjects that he, too, is “whacking his tush.” Chaos reigns]

DB: When you’re able to get the COVID shot, are you going to get it?

H: Yes, but also when they give it to me, I’m gonna kick them in the crotch!

DB: And what do you think should be the consequence for people who refuse to get the shot?

H: [Slow, measured] They are terrible and they should go to jail for life.

DB: I see. Thank you both for your time.