An In-Depth Interview With My Son About Today's World

I thought I'd use this week's What Now to see what insights he might have on the many pressing topics of the day.

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Last week, while hard at work cranking out the good blogs you know and love, I was interrupted by a banging on my office door, followed by my three-year-old son, "G," barging in to demand that I "stop working, it's so annoying." Fucking owned.

Inspired by G's ruthless parsimony and keen understanding of how I spend the bulk of my time, I thought I'd use this week's What Now to see what other insights he might have on the many pressing topics of the day. As you might expect from a conversation with someone who still wears diapers, this interview has been edited for length and clarity.

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Discourse Blog: Okay G, what am I going to do?

G: *burp*

DB: I'm going to ask you questions

G: Yeah!

DB: For work...

G: Yeah! Website!

DB: Website, right. Do you know the name of the website?

G: Website friend!

DB: Okay. What do you think about fair labor practices?

G: I think I was asking something to you and your friend [Discourse Blog's Jack Mirkinson], and I know'd it!

DB: Okay. Do you like "Paw Patrol"?

G: I like Marshal, a red fire-pup.

DB: Who's the police pup?

G: Um...Chase?

DB: Chase, right. Do you think it's weird that the Paw Patrol is not employed by the city?

G: Yeah.

DB: Who should their boss be?

G: Ryder.

DB: Interesting. But Ryder is a child. Don't you think there should be some sort of adult oversight or citizen review board?

G: Yeah!

DB: Who would you put on that board?

G: [Paw Patrol construction dog] Rubble

DB: But Rubble is already on the Paw Patrol. Isn't it problematic to have them policing themselves?

G: ... Want to see this? [Holds up action figure]

DB: I see. Do you think we should abolish the police?

G: Oh, right, yeah!

DB: What would we do instead of having a police force?

G: ...We'd... cause crimes?...

DB: Who, exactly, would cause these crimes?

G: Um..the police.

DB: What kind of crimes would the police cause?

G: [Ominously] Bad guys.

DB: Do you know any police officers?

G: Yup. Chase! He catches crimes. Ow ow ow ow ow!

[At this point G stops the interview to hit himself in the head with an action figure]

DB: Okay. If Chase catches a bad guy, what should happen next?

G: I would take him to jail.

DB: Who?

G: The police.

DB: I see. And what would happen when the police were in jail?

G: They would get out, and catch me.

DB: Why, have you done something wrong?

G: ...Took stuff...

DB: You mean your brother's action figure?

G: [Nods sadly]

DB: Let's talk about labor. Do you want to work?

G: Yeah. Clean up.

DB: You'd like to work in janitorial services?

G: Yeah, I can clean up toys.

DB: Do you think the people who work in janitorial services should be paid a fair wage?

G: [Nods]

DB: How much should they be paid?

G: [Holds up 4 fingers.]

[G spends the next five minutes ignoring questions about Medicare for All, the "force the vote" movement, and the US's declining role as a global superpower.]

DB: What do you think about the US withdrawal from Afghanistan?

G: [shrugs]

DB: Would you like to go to Afghanistan someday? What do you think they have there?

G: ... Toys?

DB: Probably, yes. Where else would you like to visit?

G: Your friend [Jack Mirkinson]

DB: What do you think about the Biden Administration's response to the coronavirus pandemic?

G: Good! [gives thumbs up]

DB: What are you going to do when you get vaccinated?

G: Go to grammy and papas!

DB: What do you think about the people who refuse to get the shot? Do you think they're being responsible or irresponsible?

G: Both!

DB: But if they're doing something that endangers other people, what should happen to them?

G: They'll get dead!

DB: But what about the other people who get dead because of their actions?

G: Well, they have to go to the doctor.

DB: What about the people who eat horse paste?

G: Yuck!

DB: Would you eat horse paste?

G: Yuck!!

DB: What medicines do you take?

G: Real medicines. Horse medicines are not tasty and make you take the fever away.

DB: Ah, but they also make you poop a lot.

G: What?! Poop a LOT? How do you get that to stop?

DB: Well you don't take the horse paste medicine.

G: Okay, I won't...

[At this point G's older brother H — age six — demands to be interviewed too. Rather than reinvent the wheel, we chose to rehash the same subject covered already.]

DB: H, what do you think about Afghanistan?

H: Well, I think...whacking my tush!!! [recording featured audible slapping sounds]

DB...okay. Well, what do you think about President Biden's response to the coronavirus pandemic?

H: Great things!

[G interjects that he, too, is "whacking his tush." Chaos reigns]

DB: When you're able to get the COVID shot, are you going to get it?

H: Yes, but also when they give it to me, I'm gonna kick them in the crotch!

DB: And what do you think should be the consequence for people who refuse to get the shot?

H: [Slow, measured] They are terrible and they should go to jail for life.

DB: I see. Thank you both for your time.