Of course, that doesn’t mean our many, many troubles are at an end. With just weeks left in his term, Donald Trump has decided that if he can’t crime his way into another four years in office, then — like a greasy, soup-brained Samson— he’s gonna bring the whole damn shithouse crashing down on top of everyone while he’s on the way out the door. And, courageous, patriotic, free thinkers that they are, the Republicans are pretty chill with just letting it happen — or even helping it along. The Democrats, meanwhile…well, they’re the Democrats. What else do you even need to say? Every time they have the inkling of a good idea, they end up hemming and hawing and spiking the football directly into their own crotch.
Plus, there’s that pandemic — now 50% more infectious! — that’s still rampaging across the country, as politicians of all stripes somehow manage to absolutely bungle the process of taking a highly effective COVID vaccine and moving it from tiny little vials into people’s arms.
So, yeah, 2020 might be done, but 2021 isn’t exactly off to a bright shiny start.
With 360 days to go, it’s safe to say there’ll be some ups, some downs, and that a lot — a lot — of people will think it’s extremely clever to say “wow, I didn’t have that on my bingo card” every time some wackadoo story captivates Twitter’s attention for a day or two.
But you, dear readers, you’re not the sort of pedestrian schmucks who’d say something like that, are you? I don’t think so. You’re people of great taste, and even better prognostication. Which is why this week I’m asking you to submit your 2021 bingo card entries, so that when this year’s inevitable shitstorms starts storming shit, you’ll be able to put your hands on your hips, and declare proudly “I sure did have that on my bingo card.”
What’s it gonna be: Donj mauled by bear? Hunter Biden nudes leak? Q reveals himself to be none other than famed character actor David Paymer? The possibilities are endless. Now’s your chance to get in early, and plant your flag before it’s too late. It’s time to make your 2021 bingo card so you can inevitably rub everyone else’s nose in it when you’re (obviously) proven right.
It’s a whole new year. It’s a whole new world. It’s Office Hours, folks. Let’s do this.