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Office Hours

Office Hours: Audition Edition

Time to cast your ideal feature film of 2020 (based on a true story).

Gold Circle Films, Brownstone Productions

Hard as it may be to believe, this cursed year 2020 of the common era is just days away from flushing itself down the toilet of history to make way for what we can only hope is even a marginally better successor.

So much of this past year has felt like it existed in some sort of fictional universe. Time quite literally felt as if it had slowed down for many of us. Successive waves of disasters both political and natural crashed against the rocky shoals of ineptitude and malice with such concussive force that eventually, people seemed to stop being shocked by each new catastrophe, and simply started chalking everything up to the mythical power of The Year. 2020 became a character in and of itself.

Christ, what a shitty year.

Given the bizarre, albeit understandably necessary sense of disassociated detachment many people seem to have experienced over the past 360-something days, it’s easy to look back on 2020 as something more than just a linear timeline of bullshit. Each significant episode of the past year — a presidential impeachment, the pandemic, a never-ending election, the racial justice protests that rocked the nation — would have been enough to fuel that sense of un-reality which permeated the bulk of 2020. Put together, they grew exponentially more potent, plunging 2020 into a bizarre uncanny valley in which the more you looked for any sense of recognizable normalcy, the more you realized how fucked everything really was.

Given all that, I figured the last Office Hours of the year should lean into this sense of 2020 as a Bruckheimer-esque disaster movie — a bad one — and ask you to submit your ultimate 2020 dream cast. You’ve got the entire cursed roster of ghouls, charlatans, grifters, snake oil salesmen, phonies, clout chasers and — very, very rarely — heroes to choose from. Should Armie Hammer double himself again to play the Krassenstein brothers? Will Mitch McConnell be played by Dana Carvey playing a turtle? Which dyspeptic character actor would you cast as Bernie Sanders — Ed Asner? Elliot Gould? A CGI-aged David Krumholtz? The casting couch is yours.

It’s the last Office Hours of the year. Let’s get weird.