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Before you freak out, Rafi is fine! He just had other things to do today. Think of me as your “cool” substitute teacher. Everyone loves those people right? Anyway, it’s an honor and a privilege to fill in for him, and I will try very hard not to fuck it up.

So. There’s a lot of bullshit thrown around about how much Trump has “changed” the GOP (it was a white nationalist demon factory long before him!) but he has undoubtedly created a highly successful cult of personality around himself. For example, I can’t stop thinking about the sight of Kimberly Guilfoyle just losing it at the Republican National Convention last night. It was objectively very funny—she was, like, extremely shouting to nobody—but it was also fascinating, because she worked herself into the kind of ecstatic frenzy you typically only see just before people either start speaking in tongues or offer up their firstborn as a sacrifice to the leader.

The weirdest culty RNC twist, though, has to be the fact that the party just decided not to bother with a party platform this year. Instead, Republicans said that their one policy plank was backing Trump. Whatever works I guess!

That’s where you come in. Since the GOP didn’t write its platform, you get to do it for them! Tell us: what would be in your Republican Party platform? There is no answer too stupid.

Update, 5:21 p.m. ET: OK, that’s it for me, folks! I promise we will release Rafi from his dungeon in time for next week’s — whoops, I’ve said too much. Talk amongst yourselves!

Screenshot via the CW