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Office Hours

Office Hours

We’re only one day in and I’m already bored with the Democratic National Convention and its overwhelming sense of kumbaya cop-hugging blandness. Christ, they got John “I don’t need your people” Kasich to stand at a literal crossroads, and he didn’t even sell his soul to learn to play the blues or anything. Sure there were a few moments that — for better or worsetranscended the pervasive meh-ness of it all, but by and large the whole affair was, like Joe Biden himself, awkwardly mediocre and painfully uninspiring.

The Republicans, on the other hand, have already started stacking their upcoming convention deck with array of litigious monsters and smarmy haircuts depraved enough to make me wonder: How bad can it get? I mean, really, given the murderer’s row of ghoulish kooks and literal war criminals the Trump administration has amplified for the past three-and-a-half years, I have to assume the GOP convention is going to feel like Ayn Rand MC-ing the Jim Rose Circus.

So, I ask: With the RNC on the horizon, what’s the worst that’ll happen? How bad will it get? Whose decrepit corpse will the GOP necromancers exhume to deliver a rousing keynote speech in support of unbridled fascism?

Folks, get to speculating!

Update, 5:25 PM: Well friends, you’ve gone and turned me into Schrödinger’s Schwartz, hovering in a tortured quantum state of being perversely excited for and simultaneously horrified by the RNC. Congrats all around. As always, feel free to continue posting your convention night nightmares below, and we’ll see ya again next week!

(Pic via MTV Productions, Scott Rudin Productions)