I’ll keep it brief, because I’ve gotta rush and figure out how to make this apple chicken concoction for Rosh Hashanah dinner, and given that I’m a total moron when it comes to cooking most things, there’s a good chance I’ll fuck it up and we’ll end up ringing in the new year (‘sup, 5781) with a pizza. Yeah, it’s been that kind of a week. Anyone else?
Still, it hasn’t been all bad. Despite the drumbeat of fascism growing a little louder with each passing day, there were a few moments of respite from all this; it was my birthday this week, which was nice. Perhaps if you’re reading this, you’re one of the people I managed to convince to buy a subscription to this blog. If you are: welcome. Nice to see you. Apologies in advance. And yes, I’m still accepting belated birthday gifts, if you’re wondering. Thank you.
We also got shiny new Discourse email addresses (shockingly, I’m firstname.lastname@example.org) so that’s one more inbox for me to check obsessively, which should do wonders for the low-grade anxiety disorder I’ve been cultivating for the past few months.
Actually make that two new inboxes, because Man, What The Hell? now has its own submission address where you — yes you! — can send your very own Man, What The Hells? whenever the mood strikes. Write this one down: email@example.com. There, now you can share your most deranged, befuddling, amusing, and otherwise notable MWTH moments with me (and the rest of us) anytime you want. Don’t say I never did nothin’ for you.
Anyway, the year’s almost over, and I’ve gotta preheat the oven, so let’s get right to it, shall we?
Mask on, mask off, mask on, mask off…
On the one hand, saying “of course Florida” every time you see something vaguely stupid, antagonistic, and possibly criminal trending online is a lazy crutch that does a disservice to the millions of ordinary people who call the Sunshine State home.
On the other hand.
In addition to being painfully lame (finally the tyranny of mask mandates has been purged from aisle 27B, and part of the home goods section!) this cavalcade of full-faced dingleberries managed to earn the ire of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider, who called them “selfish assholes” for using his song during their pandemic parade. Considering that Snider is from Long Island, however, I think he was being polite.
Sack up, loser
If “cellar door” is, as linguists and scholars claim, the most aurally pleasing phrase in the English language, then surely we can agree that “sack of wet eggs” is its absolute, polar opposite.
Look. Who am I to critique the choices a community makes in trying to honor its most famous member? But even to my artistically untrained eye, the resemblance between muse and statue is, shall we say, striking…
From her flat slab of a face to the penguin flipper hands and boxy leg stalks, I think we can all agree: this is unmistakably a human (?) female (??)
Scent of a woman
The boutique novelty candle business is something of a mystery to me, but I’m pretty sure this WAP-scented candle goes well beyond the typical aromatherapy fare.
Per its Etsy description, the soy wax candle smells like “black raspberry vanilla and a whole lot of shakin ass” which seems like a truly discombobulating combination of scents, no matter how many commenters on the order page rave about how much they love it (“reminds me of love spell by Victoria secret. It smells so good!”).
I’m too tired to think of a joke here, but please feel free to come up with a “macaroni in a pot scented candle” construction, yourselves. You’re welcome.
🎶Are you ready for some fallball🎶
Honestly, this seems like a much better use of football stadiums than the NFL’s most recent masturbatory plan to solve all of society’s ills.
Get the hell oat of here
Can you believe this is an elected official whose job it is is to help run a major metropolitan government? Forgive me for stating the obvious but that is not “toast & oatmeal.” That is warmed bread and grains floating in what appears to be chocolate milk, or possibly water from a drainage ditch.
I don’t have synesthesia, but if I did, I assume this is what “brown” tastes like.
Finally, proof of brains in Wisconsin.
Medical examiners have since concluded that the brain is decidedly not human, so the hunt for intelligence in Wisconsin continues.
Show Dersh, Sweetie
Alan Dershowitz, nudist attorney, has been having an interesting week, to say the least.
The very same day he announced his new podcast “the Dershow” (it’s his name, but also a show!) he filed a whopping $300 million dollar lawsuit against CNN because, he claimed, they’d framed their footage of him to “falsely paint Professor Dershowitz as a constitutional scholar and intellectual who had lost his mind.”
Personally, thinking the world needs one more white guy with a “raw, unbiased, unfiltered” podcast is proof enough for me that someone’s gone more than a little nuts.
Shanah tovah, everyone!
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!
(pic via MTV Productions, Lakeshore Entertainment – James Brown is the baddest motherfucker in show business)