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Man, What the Hell?

Man, What The Hell? Time After Time Edition

Plus thicc goats, good goats, and the WAP we never asked for.

It’s been quite the week over here, so you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t have much in the way of profundity (or even coherence) to say today. I was originally going to write about Paul Krugman, and why he can certifiably fuck right off, but I was beaten to the punch this morning. Then I thought I might riff a little on whatever dumb things the president did over the past few days, but honestly? Time after time after time a guy can only ingest — and then regurgitate — so much Trump before needing a break.

Sure, there was some stuff worth getting excited for this week; Dominic Toretto is taking his familia to outer space; the Zachs are organizing; there’s a new sports blog out there — good news all around. But this isn’t a place for good news. At least, not exclusively. It’s a place for the head-scratching, brain-busting, soul-wrenching weirdness that’s accumulated over the past week.

So, enough optimism, there are more important things to blog. Let’s get right to it.


NFaiL

Remember last week how I told you the NFL was gonna solve America’s various forms of systemic injustice by writing “End Racism” in stadium end zones? Well, on Thursday night they did the damn thing.

Incredibly, the league seems to think that promoting the fact that they have literally framed ending racism as being nearly out of bounds for the Kansas City Chiefs was a good look for them.

Hoooboy H. Humphrey

With President Donald Trump once again overtly accusing Joe Biden of being on some unspecified performance-enhancing drug during the Democratic presidential primary debates, here’s a fun bit of presidential prehistory, involving boomer rock n’ roll mainstay Tommy James (he of “Crimson and Clover” fame, itself of Joan Jett and the Blackhearts fame) and former veep Hubert H. Humphrey.

In a recently re-earthed interview with Goldmine magazine, James admitted to dosing LBJ’s already infamously fast-talking vice president with a healthy helping of speed after the two shared a bill during a political rally during the ‘68 election.

“Oh man, you do not want to know Hubert Humphrey on speed!” James told the magazine, after describing how he’d handed a man one heartbeat from the presidency the sort of thing that would make his own heart beat in double time. According to James, Humphrey’s only complaint was “that darn thing kept me up all night,” which is probably the best possible outcome considering the rock star could very likely have been arrested for dosing the vice president during an election year.

Baby’s got baaack

Look, I don’t know why this is so goddamned funny. But it simply is really, really funny okay? Look at it. Watch it. Replay it. The goat is thicc. It has a large ass that wobbles when it walks.

This is comedy. This is art. Please help me, my brain is broken.

Wouldst thou like to be an ally deliciously?

Speaking of bovidae, an extremely good goat in Douglas County, GA, did its part to fight the good fight against America’s rotten criminal justice system, by literally swallowing it whole.

In a “we’re not owned, we’re actually laughing” video posted to its otherwise relatively sleepy Facebook page, the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department shared footage of one of its deputies pleading with, and subsequently being butted to the ground by, a local goat which had climbed into the deputy’s car and eaten her paperwork while she was busy serving papers at a nearby house. It looked like this:

“The deputy explained that due to the number of houses she visits daily, she routinely leaves her vehicle’s door open because she has had to reteat [SIC] on a number of occasions from vicious dogs,” the department said, adding that “Eventhough [SIC] she was knocked to the ground she was not physically harmed in the incident.”

The goat, meanwhile, almost certainly needs to be moved into witness protection, before any mysterious “accidents” rob us of this hero.

Bloodbuzz, Louisiana

Here’s an idea: Let’s toss another biblical plague on the fire, and see where that gets us. We’ve already got fire in the sky, a catastrophic deluge, what’s left….? I know! What about a deadly cloud of cattle-killing bugs? One that’s allegedly left hundreds of cows and horses dead across five parishes in southern Louisiana? Perfect.

I let him taste it, now he diabetic

Look, who am I to judge another person’s saccharine coffee choices? Honestly, this Center City Philly Starbuck’s white mocha, almond milk, and pumpkin spice drink probably tastes great, if a little too cloyingly sweet for my taste.

What I do know, however, is that there is nothing — NOTHING — quite as painfully uncomfortable as watching an Aging White Man quote rap lyrics about lubricated genitals while his two female colleagues look on in barely constrained horror (left) and naked rage (right). (Note: my editor thinks the colleague on the left is actually having fun with the whole thing. You be the judge.)

And finally…

Aren’t we all just:


Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below!

(pic via touchstone pictures – I hope your babies look like monkeys!)