I’ll admit, the idea of watching Vice President Mike Pence get skewered with needles on national television was appealing to me even before the notion of a coronavirus vaccine entered into the equation. But as I watched him get his first round of COVID inoculations on Friday, I couldn’t help but feel a sort of bland disappointment watching his bland face react blandly to one of the most significant medical developments of the 21st century. Truly, at this point in 2020, who could possibly a shit about this useless thumb of a man?
Instead, I’ve found the cold black cockles of my heart being surprisingly warmed by the rolling tide of ordinary people — the sort who have been putting themselves in harm’s way since the start of this pandemic — who have been filmed getting the coronavirus vaccine. Sandra Lindsay, a frontline nurse, kicked things off in New York City; VA nurse Thera Witte was one of the first people to get it here in Minnesota, where I live; and across the pond, 91-year-old Margaret Keenan will go down in history as the first person on Earth to get the vaccine outside of a clinical trial.
After a year spent steeling myself against a cavalcade of increasing awfulness from just about every direction, watching Witte, Keenan, and Lindsay get their inoculations has been such a welcome change that I’ve caught myself getting genuinely choked up. I wouldn’t have expected it, but it’s nice to know this cursed year hasn’t totally scorched away my capacity for joy. And yes, I know that watching a select few people get the first doses of a multi-step vaccination process does not mean we’re out of the woods yet – far from it. There’s supply issues, distribution nightmares, and a sizable portion of soup-brain shitheads who think any COVID vaccination is just a plot by Bill Gates to implant tracking chips into a population ripe for culling. So, yeah, we’ve got a long way to go before “normal” (whatever that means).
Still — as long as they keep rolling out inoculation videos, I’ll keep watchin’ them, and I’ll probably keep getting choked up, too. It’s a reminder that things will eventually get better, and that I haven’t become a total black hole of dyspeptic despair. Optimism, man. What the hell?
Making money hand over fist
Please join me in extending my sincere congratulations to Michigan’s David Werking, who is poised to become tens of thousands of dollars richer, after he won a contentious lawsuit against his own mother and father for trashing his prized cache of porn, worth an estimated $29,000.
According to the Associated Press, Werking sued after police declined to press criminal charges against his parents. His lawsuit claims his father justified trashing the smut, saying “I did you a big favor by getting rid of all this stuff,” which, it turns out, was kind of true.
Aiding and a bet thing
Losing, admittedly, sucks. But it’s better to lose with dignity than to whine like a little diaper filling piss-baby on Twitter, which is something the high rollers who put big bucks down on the gambling app BetFair with the belief that Donald Trump would win the presidential election should keep in mind. Because after BetFair’s UK team “commenced settling the US presidential election market” (aka : paying people who bet on Joe Biden and collecting from everyone else) the MAGA Gamblers went, uh, a little nuts…
There’s probably a lesson here about money management and the dangers of spurious gambling but meh.
It’s my party and I’ll die if I want to
My condolences to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, whose glistening personality simply was not enough to convince potential partygoers to risk their health and happiness by turning out en masse for his indoor holiday celebration. Of the 900 invitees, only 70 people RSVP’d that, yes, they’d love to party with Mike in the middle of a pandemic. And some of those people were clearly liars, as fewer than 70 attendees actually showed up for Mike’s shindig, which means he’s batting like 0.07% for friendship.
The painfully poorly attended party reportedly “featured drinks, boxed meals and a masked Santa who walked around from table to table to chitchat with adults and children.”
Drinks, boxed meals, AND idle chitchat? Sounds like a blast.
No, it’s my party and I’ll die if I want to
Speaking of parties you’d probably do well to avoid, I recommend steering clear of the planned retracing of the famously ravenous Donner Party, which will see four dedicated history buffs plod their way along the same route that ended in tragedy more than 100 years ago.
“As I’ve read the account of the Forlorn Hope and then traveled in their footsteps, it has only galvanized my belief this might be the greatest endurance trek in history,” ultramarathon runner and Donner Party recreationist Tim Twietmeyer told the AP.
Had any of the original Donner Party participants been around to speak with the AP, they probably would have demurred to give any sort of comment, as it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.
De, Vos, De
I didn’t think I could be more annoyed by the Hashtag Resistance than I already am, and then outgoing Education Secretary Betsy “oh no, my poor $40 million yacht!” DeVos had to go and tell her staff that she wanted to “leave you with this plea: Resist.”
“Be the resistance against forces that will derail you from doing what’s right for students,” DeVos reportedly continued, which is rich coming from someone worth a cool billion bucks, who spent her time in office mangling the country’s schools.
The next time a rowdy cheesehead gets their pubic hair fried off by an overzealous cop with a state of the art taser, they can thank the Green Bay Packers, a $3 billion enterprise that just gifted its hometown police force with a bevy of fancy new equipment, including body cams, dashboard cameras, and brand spankin’ new tasters.
As Packers President Mark Murphy explained to the press, the idea for buying the local PD a bunch of new toys stemmed from the social justice protests that roiled the country this past summer.
“One of the things we talked about, is it’s great to protest and raise issues but we would really like to move to progress,” Murphy said. “We also wanted to be able to make an impact and positive change.”
Truly inspiring words to remember the next time a Green Bay cop pumps you full of 50,000 volts.
I have nothing to add here. This is just a good tweet.
Starting next year, you can live out your fantasy of wearing another human being’s face for the low low price of around a grand, thanks to Shuhei Okawara, and his ultra-realistic 3D printed masks, featuring the features of an as-of-yet unidentified facial model.
“There are not so many people who buy (face masks) for specific purposes,” Okawara told Reuters. “Most see them as art pieces.”
Please keep that in mind the next time you visit someone’s home and notice a perfectly realistic face hanging serenely on their wall. It is NOT with any sort of specific purpose in mind. It’s just art.
Sweet Cherry Pie (ba ba ba)
God bless the United States of America, which after years of tyrannical government overreach has finally removed the heavy jackboot of federal pastry police from the neck of frozen cherry pie enthusiasts everywhere.
Love yourself this weekend, woncha?
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: email@example.com