After the week we’ve had — all the old white men crankin’ it at exactly the wrong time, plus a deeply meh presidential debate to boot — I really thought I’d be so deflated by E V E R Y T H I N G that I’d be dragging my bloody carcass across the finish line to the weekend and just sleep for 48 hours straight, with occasional breaks for peeing and maybe I’ll make a sandwich or something. Who knows?
So imagine my surprise at the fact that I’m feeling weirdly…energized? Or at least, whatever it is that passes for energized these days.
Maybe it’s that there’s finally a theoretical end in sight to the past five months/89 years of general election bullshit (yes, Biden only clinched the nomination this past June and not, as you might have believed, sometime in the Hoover administration). Maybe it’s that this freaky science experiment called Discourse Blog has escaped the lab and is actually out there raising hell in the big wide world. Maybe some random assortment of neurons fired in the just the right order, at the at just right time, to release just enough feel good juice into my brain to make a real difference.
Whatever the reason, there’s something great about going through a truly deranged week — and even by our astronomically warped standards at this point in this year, this week has been one for the fucked up record books — and coming out the other side in one piece.
Sometimes “man, what the hell?” moments can be good, too. Go figure.
The Secret Policeman’s Ball
Let’s give it up for Mauston, WI, where 40 percent of the city’s 10-person police squad (that would be: four people) is on leave for various booze-related shenanigans.
First, this past August, two off-duty Mauston officers were involved in what the city described as “an altercation” with a civilian at a local bar, resulting in battery charges against one of the cops and administrative leave for the other. Unfortunately, as the city admitted this past week, a second incident later that month took another two officers out of rotation after one of them drunkenly shot an acquaintance “through the groin area” after downing “about 12 beers” and deciding to show off his gun collection.
The kneecapped Mauston police department is now reportedly relying on the kindness of the neighboring counties, who are sending supplementary officers who presumably won’t shoot anyone through the dick without probable cause.
Hornet on Main
Did you think 2020 was going to introduce a compelling and unexpected character like “murder hornets” and then forget to do anything about it? Please. Like Chekhov’s eponymous pistol, the Asian Giant Hornets are back, and from the looks of it, making themselves at home here in the U.S — specifically, Washington state, where entomologists have discovered the very first known domestic murder hornet nest. Super!
According to the Washington State Department of Agriculture, the hive was discovered inside a dead tree on private property, and “dozens of the hornets were seen entering and exiting the tree while the WSDA team was present.”
While it’s unlikely that the murder hornets will actually kill a human, a prick from their quarter-inch long stinger has been described as feeling like “a hot nail being driven into my leg.”
Masked Bandit Strikes Blow Against Capitalism
Shoutout to the two raccoons who somehow broke into a Redwood City, CA bank, and fucked around striking blow after blow against capitalism until they were eventually shooed away by local Humane Society staff.
“There were muddy paw prints on a tree outside the bank, so we suspect the raccoons climbed the tree to the roof of the bank, and then somehow managed to crawl into the air ducts and fell through the ceiling tiles onto the floor of the bank,” SPCA spokesperson Buffy Martin Tarbox told SFGate.com. “There were several broken ceiling tiles, and the masked bandits knocked papers around and even a computer over.”
The raccoons apparently didn’t actually take any money, but did manage to escape unharmed, living to strike terror in the heart of big banking another day.
What the Helicopter?
FEAR NOT CITIZENS, THE LOW-FLYING HELICOPTERS CIRCLING THE NATION’S CAPITAL ARE NO CAUSE FOR CONCERN.
According to the Department of Energy, any extremely near, extremely fast whirlybirds you may or may not see buzzing around DC are simply there to “measure naturally occurring background radiation as part of standard preparations to protect public health and safety” ahead of January’s presidential inauguration.
“The aircraft measurements will be purely scientific in nature,” the DOE continued. “No surveillance or other form of monitoring will occur during these flights.”
ALL IS WELL, CITIZENS. PLEASE GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS AS NORMAL.
Osama bin Laden’s niece has questions:
Throw a Ranch in the Works
You may have had your fair share of wild oat sowing, but have you ever trashed a gas station, and driven a car into a pillar, wearing only your finest creamy ranch dressing? No? Well, then this anonymous Kansas teen has you fucking beat.
She Don’t Lie, She Don’t Lie, She Don’t Lie, She Don’t Lie…
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: email@example.com