Man, What The Hell? Flew The Coup Edition

I really hoped the first Man, What The Hell? of 2021 would be an opportunity for a new beginning. A fresh start to explore a new year pregnant with unimaginable possibilities and wonderment.

Boy am I stupid.

Instead, we’ve got this shit: a full-blown insurrection encouraged by the upper-most echelons of power in this country, and enacted by a dizzying horde of suckers, racists, and wealthy corporate vampires. Will Donald Trump face any real consequences for directing a swarm of MAGA-addled cosplayers to try and murder his own vice president? Probably not in any meaningful sense, no. Maybe the House will get its act together and actually impeach him, but do you honestly think anyone in Washington — a city predicated on covering your own ass above all else — is really gonna do anything about it other than pat themselves on the back for making it this far? Trump’s already scheduled to slink back to his gold-plated palace in just a few days anyway, so aside from some performative saber-rattling, it’s hard to see a majority of Congress giving themselves two weeks of agita just to achieve the same result.

So that’s how 2021 has started — with a lynch mob and a sizable portion of lawmakers either too afraid to do anything about it or too deranged by the same animating violence and bigotry to do anything but cheer them on from the sidelines.

2021 was supposed to be better. So far, it’s much, much worse. Man, what the hell?

Brand Aid

There’s just been a fascist coup attempt on the United States Capitol Building. Let’s go to the brands!

Multinational oil conglomerate, thank you.

Sugary, formerly narcotic beverage company, thank you.

Aerosolized himbo essence… thank you, most of all.

Dicks and Stones

While kids in the U.S. are stuck with dreck like proto-fascist Paw Patrollers and or the cloying man-child Blippi as their go-to entertainment options, Danish public broadcasting has taken a different approach to children’s programming: What about a show featuring a mustachioed claymation man with an absolutely enormous prehensile dick? And, let’s make that gargantuan hog candy-striped for some reason too.

Meet John Dillermand, star of an eponymous show detailing his penile misadventures aimed at 4-8 year olds which premiered this past week on Denmark’s DR public broadcast network.

“The show is created for children and is preoccupied with the same things they are. I don’t agree with the few critics who consider John Dillermand to be sexualized,” DR executive Morten Skov Hansen told Variety.

“It’s as desexualized as it can possibly get,” Skove Hansen, who heads the network’s children’s division, added, noting that Danish kids have already embraced Dillermand in the form of drawings and snowmen.

I look forward (?) to the day when Elmo finally has the courage to hang dong.

Graham, Cracker

Ladies and gentlemen, start your schadenfreude!

Sure is awful to see an unctuous toady get heckled to hell by the very same forces he helped create. It would be just terrible if this happened to him every day for the rest of his life. I would simply be devastated if I awoke to find a new video of people booing Lindsey Graham each morning in my inbox. Gosh I hope that never happens.

Nazi Punks, Nazi Punks, Nazi Punks…Bipartisan consensus!

Love to see a band named after murdered politicians simping for the live ones.

Deutschland uber all-ass

Yes yes, the president’s phone call with Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger was real bad and probably a crime and blah blah blah. I just don’t want people to be so overwhelmed by the naked criminality of it all that they gloss over this absolute gem of an exchange between Trump and Raffensperger’s attorney, Ryan Germany.

Trump: Did you ever check the ballots that were scanned by [REDACTED] , a known political operative and balloteer. Did ever check who those votes were for?

Germany: We looked into that situation that you described.

Trump: No, they were 100 percent for Biden. 100 percent. There wasn’t a Trump vote in the whole group. Why don’t you want to find this, Ryan? What’s wrong with you? I heard your lawyer is very difficult, actually, but I’m sure you’re a good lawyer. You have a nice last name.

You have a nice last name.

You have a nice last name.

HELLO MR. GERMANY YOU HAVE A NICE LAST NAME, ACCORDING TO ME, A MAN WHO LOVES NAZIS.

Help, I’m losing my mind here.

Kay? Nein.

Can….can we please just not do the whole “heckin’ pupper cutie-wootie” shtick with a police German Shepherd after a deadly coup attempt? Is that so much to ask? Can we just….not do that? Thanks.

Time for a “fuck you” Friday

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

And Finally…

Happy birthday, David Bowie. Wherever you are.

Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: mwth@discourseblog.com