It’s been an unbearably stupid week thanks to this, and this. Also this. And this too. So it seems more than fitting that an entire nation should spend its Friday evening zeroing in with laser focus on the cable news station of their choice, all to catch a fleeting glimpse of a sick, elderly racist walk across a lonesome patch of grass.
Wow, look at him go.
Now that President Donald Trump, certified COVID-haver and likely an executive level super-spreader, has officially arrived at Walter Reed Hospital for the weekend, it seems like pummeling the last of our already-battered brain cells with Greg Gutfeld’s inane chest-thumping, or the muffled voice of Bob Woodward as he tries his hand at TV punditry with his head irrevocably lodged up his own ass, or even the president’s own squinty promise to “make sure things work out” is exactly what we deserve at this point.
We’ve gone too far down the moronic rabbit hole at this point to have anything resembling a normal, relaxing transition from weekday to weekend. It’s all whiplash breaking news stories and minute-by-minute tick-tocks on the president’s phlegmy air sacks from here on out. This is our lives now. It’s is how it’s just gotta be.
And really, for all the personal ramifications and vast global implications of whatever….all this really is, I’m feeling strangely okay with it all. Sure, the world is finding new and interesting ways to both implode and explode in all our faces, all the time, but y’know what? We can just roll with it. What choice do we have really? It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all gonna be just fine.
Takes, for the memories
Now that we know President Donald Trump is absolutely riddled with the coronavirus, let’s just get all the bad tweets out of the way, right off the bat, shall we?
Hm, much to consider…
Yes, this definitely happened.
[slamming my head into a bucket of nails]
I agree the president is 20 years old due to his strength and stamina, thank you doctor.
You never sausage voter suppression in your life
Wisconsin Republicans — a group high in the running for the most despicable political entity in the entire country — are extremely worried that a bunch of anthropomorphic wieners plan to support voting ahead of the upcoming presidential elections.
In a strongly-worded letter to the state election commission, Wisconsin GOP Chair Andrew Hitt mused about whether “the Voter Registration Drive-Thru event at Miller Park on September 22, 2020 (which prominently featured the Brewers Racing Sausages)” might mean that future such events would constitute illegal electioneering, now that the park is going to be used as an in-person absentee voting site for the coming few weeks.
All of the Bucks’ and Brewers’ athletes and mascots are, of course, beloved of their fans, so their presence at a venue is undoubtedly something of significant value. Consequently, it would be inappropriate for them to be at Miller Park or Fiserv Forum while those venues are in use as alternate absentee ballot sites.
Heavens to Betsy, if sausages encourage people to vote, what form of radical Marxist ANTIFA anarchy might follow?
Subway, eat fresh-ish:
In perhaps the second-most-embarrassing thing to happen to the iconic sandwich chain in recent memory, an Irish court ruled this week that Subway’s bread is, in fact, not bread.
At issue is the fact that the flour an Irish Subway franchise uses to make its non-bread has five times the sugar content as is legally allowed in that country to be considered “bread as a staple food” (as opposed to, say, a delicious cookie or cake).
“Subway’s bread is, of course, bread,” the company said in a statement to NPR. “We have been baking fresh bread in our restaurants for more than three decades and our guests return each day for sandwiches made on bread that smells as good as it tastes.”
On the other hand, I would absolutely eat at the next restaurant that offered me a five dollar footlong of cake.
First the “Census Cowboy” and now…this, whatever this is:
Perhaps the good people of Chicago should consider voting for someone whose go-to solution for every major civic crisis isn’t to play dress-up. Just a thought.
Honestly, there are multiple members of the White House press corps who could be replaced with small, mischievous procyons (they’re not rodents!) and no one would even notice.
I’m no believer in police violence or the carceral state, but.
…I hope they find whoever did this and put them in a hole for life, or at least until they’ve watched Strange Brew enough times to recite it from memory.
Somehow we made it through this week, of all weeks. Time for a –
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: email@example.com