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Man, What the Hell?

Man, What The Hell? Decisions Decisions Edition

Plus rats, monkeys, and kissin' cousins.

Platinum Dunes, Blumhouse Productions, Man in a Tree Productions

Halloween or election?
Election or Halloween?

This is the dilemma I spent an embarrassingly long time chewing over before starting this week’s Man, What the the Hell? Do I blog about Saturday night’s spookarama, or Tuesday’s even scarier clusterfuck? Oh, also we’ve got to fuck around with our clocks on Sunday, too. Whee.

You know that joke about airplane food? How it’s terrible, and the portions are too small? This is basically the exact opposite — an embarrassment of subject riches. Surfeit content for all. A blog in every pot.

I suppose I could write about my plan to spend Saturday night getting pleasantly drunk, and sitting on my steps to cheer and act charmingly “scared” as intrepid trick-or-treaters pluck candy from the bucket I plan to put out at a safe distance from my front door. Or, I guess I could write about how I’m filled with so much existential dread about what Tuesday might bring, that I’ll probably have to excuse myself at least once during our livestream of the election results so I can go scream into a pillow or something.

Honestly, it’s a tough call. I’ll let you know what I decide.


Too much monkey business

What phase of late stage capitalism is it when a major corporation transcends human-centric labor violations, and moves into allegedly abusing a whole different species? That, at least, is the charge against Chaokoh, the Thailand-based coconut milk company which found itself 86’d from Costco shelves this week, after PETA (I know, I know) accused the company of running a de facto slave labor operation for monkeys.

According to PETA, Chaokoh kidnaps monkeys from their families, and locks them up in cages whenever they’re not being put to work as “coconut picking machines.”

Chaokoh has denied the allegation, telling USA Today that a randomized audit of 64 of the company’s 817 coconut farms found no evidence that monkeys were being used to pick coconuts. Still, if you are a monkey, ape, or lemur who has seen unfair labor practices at Chaokoh or any other monkey-adjacent industry, please feel free to email Discourse to share your story.

Free your face and your ass will follow

Shoutout to Florida State Sen. Joe Gruters, who announced his plans this week to create a “Face Freedom Scholarship” that would give private school vouchers to families who simply cannot and will not send their children to public educational institutions where you (gasp!) have to (shudder) wear a face mask (collapses in a horrified catatonic state).

On Facebook, Gruters explained that “by giving families options, this would force School District bureaucrats to ‘face freedom’ as a key consideration when implementing blanket mask mandates.”

Finally, a lawmaker with the COURAGE and STRENGTH to stand up for face freedom, the very important issue that everyone is talking about.

Maybe don’t call me by your name, actually

Here’s the first page of a very serious court filing submitted in Alaska this week.

Credit: DOJ

I’dunno, surely “Filthy Fuhrer a/k/a ‘Fuck Face'” can’t be THAT bad of a guy, right?

Shake: rat hell, in hole

You know a story is real bad when you can fully ignore 50 percent of it, and it would still be absolutely horrifying. So even if an innocent man on the street hadn’t been swallowed alive by a freak sidewalk sinkhole 15 feet deep, the fact that he found himself covered in huge New York City rats is enough of a horror story to set my involuntary gag reflex a-gaggin’ every time I think of it.

Oh, yeah, there’s footage:

According to the unfortunate victim’s mother, Leonard Shoulders was so swarmed by rodents that he couldn’t even scream out loud in his subterranean rat hole, for fear that the rats would crawl down his throat.

Shoulders reportedly broke a few bones and is, according to his family, “deeply traumatized,” which seems like a pretty major understatement considering the Earth literally tried to feed him to a swarm of rats.

If you want something done right…

Look, if nothing else, you’ve gotta give 33-year-old New Hampshire resident Lisa Landon credit for sheer balls. Charged with drug possession and stalking, Landon decided to take matters into her own hands, not by serving as her own defense attorney, but by pretending to be a county prosecutor, and successfully filing paperwork that claimed all charges had been dropped in three separate court cases.

The ploy ultimately flopped, but only after the paperwork had been entered into the system, prompting a state forensic examiner to check with actual prosecutors to see whether or not he should still meet with Landon for an earlier scheduled appointment.

Still, A+ for effort. Good hustle. Nice work all around.

All in the family

Item, via

An attorney for Tennessee Sen. Joey Hensley conceded Monday the politician, a small-town doctor, prescribed opioids to family members and an employee with whom he was in a romantic relationship, in what the state contends is a violation of medical ethics.

Okay, so far so meh…

During opening arguments in a medical discipline proceeding, attorney David Steed said it was well-intentioned, harmless and all but unavoidable for Hensley to prescribe to relatives in a small Tennessee town where he is the only available doctor.

Steed confirmed Hensley twice prescribed an opioid painkiller to a nurse at his clinic with whom he was in a romantic relationship.

Not great, but hey, love makes people do crazy things…

The nurse with whom Hensley had a romantic relationship with is identified as his second cousin in case records and courtroom testimony from a separate proceeding. On Monday, a Tennessee Department of Health investigator testified Hensley wrote this woman at least 47 prescriptions for controlled substances from 2011 to 2018, which includes the time period of their romantic relationship.


And finally…

…Go ahead and get nice and spooky, you haunted hipsters, you.

Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: