Can you believe it’s only been a week — seven measly days! — since Donald Trump announced that he’d tested positive for COVID-19? Time certainly flies when our already uncanny valley existence slides even further toward total anarchic farce. Since then, we’ve seen the president abruptly hospitalized, abruptly released, abruptly short of breath in a bizarre display of self-aggrandizement. Oh, and there was a vice presidential debate, an attempted coup in Michigan, and the makings of a vast medical conspiracy. No biggie.
Suffice it to say, who the fuck can say what the past week was all a b o u t. Just absolute, unmitigated chaos. And so I’m left thinking a lot about the closing scene of the Coen Brothers’ criminally underappreciated Burn After Reading — a masterclass in acting lightly put upon while trying to wrap your head around a total absence of reason or purpose.
What have we learned? Probably nothing. Are we probably gonna end up doing it again? Seems likely. So let’s find our joy wherever we can, yeah?
Punks?? Not. (Dead)
I’m staring at these two tweets, both from the official Twitter account of legendary San Francisco punk rock outfit the Dead Kennedys, and I’m honestly not sure what’s worse: that an ostensibly hard-left progressive band literally named after multiple political assassinations is now gleefully shilling for a U.S. senator and former prosecutor OR that they’re doing it with the absolute lamest, most anodyne, boomer-focused memes imaginable?
Friends? The fly is done. It’s over. No more fly. It was fun while it lasted (about two minutes and change) and now we can move on to other, more important animals.
and speaking of…
Hunt for the Wilderpiggies
There’s a strong case to be made that actor/farmer/vintner Sam Neill has the only good Twitter account on earth. All other tweets are bad. Only this one, featuring a Bad Pig, is good.
Rock out with your locks out
There are times when you look back at a period in your life and you think “wow, how did things not go horribly wrong here?” I imagine that’s how perfectly reasonable chastity belt fetishists must feel after learning their fancy “internet of things” cock blocking belt could have been hacked (already a word you don’t want anywhere near your downstairs area) and permanently locked by ill-intentioned beep-boop crooks.
“We discovered that remote attackers could prevent the Bluetooth lock from being opened, permanently locking the user in the device,” explained Alex Lomas in a blog post published this week for internet security firm Pen Test Partners regarding the recently discovered vulnerabilities in the Qiui Cellmate teledildonic chastity cage for men. “There is no physical unlock. The tube is locked onto a ring worn around the base of the genitals, making things inaccessible.”
Continued Lomas: “An angle grinder or other suitable heavy tool would be required to cut the wearer free.”
Personally, if there’s one thing I’d rather hear less than the word “hacking” in regards to someone’s junk, it’s “angle grinder.”
We now have a little more insight into just what set off Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Brad Parscale before his extremely Florida Man (drunk, shirtless, allegedly packing heat) arrest in late September. According to just-released footage of the aftermath of his arrest, Parscale had weepingly explained that was he was simply impossibly horny.
“I just couldn’t accept [my wife] isn’t having sex with me,” Parscale told one of the arresting officers in bodycam footage obtained by The Daily Mail. “I just couldn’t accept it. Not in months. I couldn’t accept it. I just kept asking her.”
Parscale, who was recently demoted from leading the president’s re-election effort, has been accused of domestic abuse by his wife, and is reportedly under investigation for allegedly stealing millions from the Trump campaign.
🎶We all live in a yellow SSN-774 class nuclear-powered attack submarine🎶
The last time the CIA had anything to do with Beatles songwriter John Lennon, it was spying on him ahead of the 1972 Republican National Convention. Today, however, on the occasion of what would have been his 80th birthday, former CIA Director John Brennan has a very different message for all the Lennon-heads out there:
Truly “world peace, prosperity, & security” is the sort of “all you need is love” message that Lennon would have approved — especially coming from the guy who helped turn America in the global leader for death robots in the sky.
If you can’t be with the one you love
…love the one you’re with.
Remember to hydrate, Mr. President, sir!
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets a home again
The dream of homeownership is wildly out of reach for so many Americans, but for those who can actually afford to plonk down an ungodly amount of money for the privilege (???) of calling themselves a property owner, have I got a house for you: A gorgeous three-story, four-bedroom, Princess Anne Victorian complete with a four-car garage that sits on nearly two acres just steps away from the beautiful Youghiogheny River in Perryopolis, PA.
Okay, sure, the house might look familiar as the site of Jame Gumb aka Buffalo Bill’s fictional serial killings in Silence of the Lambs, but don’t let that stop you from cranking up some Q Lazzarus and admiring yourself in the mirror before you take a virtual tour of the property and just imagine about what you could do with all that basement space.
Weekend’s almost here and I can…
Did anything make you say “Man, what the hell?” this week? Perhaps out loud to a roommate, loved one, or disinterested household pet/plant? Misery loves company, so share your personal what the hells in the comments below! And don’t forget to submit your Man, What The Hell? suggestions for next week to our dedicated inbox of horrors: firstname.lastname@example.org
(image via StudioCanal, Relativity Media, Working Title Films)