Skip to contents
Politics

What Horrible Bathroom Secret is Ben Shapiro Trying to Hide?

I'm just asking questions, folks.

Screenshot / Jason Campbell, Twitter

Recently, a group of immigration activists fed up with Arizona Sen. Krysten Sinema’s manic pixie grandstanding confronted the ostensibly Democratic lawmaker outside her classroom at Arizona State University, where she’s taught for nearly two decades. Sinema, perhaps drawing on her skill as a marathoner, immediately ran away, forcing the activists to describe their heartbreaking stories of child trafficking and deportations to the closed door of a bathroom stall. The whole thing is a great example of why it’s always good and encouraged to yell at elected officials who shouldn’t know a moment’s peace while they fart around for fame and profit, even while the lives of millions of their constituents literally hang in the balance.

This breach of some mythological rule of civility which insulates the rich and powerful from the consequences of their (in)actions has brought out the worst, most disingenuous shitbirds from the conservative right. Suddenly the same people who spent years bragging about liberal tears and facts not caring about feelings are leaping at the opportunity to condemn an unspeakable act of norm-disrespecting. Among those newfound Sinema-stans are former members of the Trump administration, white nationalists, lunatic conspiracy-mongers and, most recently, Lilliputian waif Ben Shapiro who, uh, has some real pressing concerns with the whole situation: specifically, poopie.

First of all, this is total bullshit. Shapiro has, in fact, been very vocal about not letting people “take a dump in privacy and peace” if they don’t conform to his personal standards of gender identity. But the fact that he leapt immediately into a “hey, it is UNPATRIOTIC to deny people the right to squeeze ’em out in solitude” crouch raises the necessary question: what horrifying bathroom secret is Ben Shapiro trying to hide?

To be clear, I very much enjoy taking dumps by myself, and am still marginally traumatized by the time someone kicked the door open to the bathroom stall as I sat in situ in 10th grade. But my first reaction upon seeing the Sinema confrontation was to applaud the bravery of the activists who demanded one of the most powerful people in the country listen to their stories of personal difficulties. That’s because I’m a normal person with a marginally functioning brain, who understands that the lives of millions of people are more important than the momentary comfort of a single lawmaker.

Indeed, the fact that Shapiro instead zeroed in on the “let people do a doodoo in peace” before anything else is telling. To paraphrase Shakespeare: the dude is protesting a bit too much, methinks.

Having thought about it for much longer than is medically advisable, here are a few scenarios that come to mind:

  1. Ben Shapiro is ashamed of the fact that he shits like an absolute beast. I mean, feet off the ground, crack the toilet bowl, gnashing his teeth expulsions. No one can know.
  2. Ben Shapiro does not shit. He goes into a bathroom, locks the door behind him, stands perfectly motionless for several minutes, then flushes, runs the sink, and leaves. How does he digest food? Is he fueled by photosynthesis? It’s a mystery.
  3. Ben Shapiro cannot take a shit unless he speak-sings the entirety of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from the 1879 comedic opera “The Pirates of Penzance.” This requires absolute concentration and even the slightest disruption necessitates that he start over from the top. Failure to complete the recitation means he cannot mentally bring himself to take a shit again until at least 72 hours have passed.
  4. Ben Shapiro takes perfectly normal shits at perfectly normal intervals. He is, however, so utterly divorced from how ordinary people live that he’s convinced himself that he’s a biological freak who deserves nothing but shame and ridicule. His shits, no matter how objectively benign they might be by even the most skeptical observer, simply must be hidden from the world at all costs. Any incursion into this shame bubble would result in immediate ego death and a full psychological break from reality.

What horrible bathroom secret do you think Ben Shapiro is trying to hide? Sound off in the comments, and may god have mercy on all our souls.