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Weed Sucks Now

Thanks to Andrew Yang and Chuck Schumer. Bummer.

Lorie Shaull is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

It is my solemn and unfortunate duty to inform you, dear readers, that marijuana, the leaf we all know and love, is very lame now. It’s no longer a cool thing to “get high” or “smoke loud” or enjoy “laser lettuce.” Cannabis, the weed plant, is bad now. It brings me no pleasure to report this. Just look:

Here is Andrew Yang, getting very excited about marijuana.

Is this cool? Is this something you want to associate with? Can you truly have a good time getting outrageously high and eating a poptart-frosting-poptart sandwich with the knowledge that Andrew Yang is out there, doing this? Breaking Bad was a mistake. So was this tweet.

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Here’s Chuck Schumer with the single most joyless celebration of jazz cabbage I’ve ever seen.

Periods after each sentence, signed with his full job title. Clearly, this man understands the whimsy and frivolity associated with today, April twentieth (420), the weed day.

Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley was equally enthusiastic.

Truly, if anyone can capture the enthusiastic positivity of 4/20, it’s Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley.

Will the fact that some of the most soporific human beings on Earth are hitching themselves to the weed wagon make make smoking pot less fun? Thankfully, no. Getting nicely high and watching 2012’s DREDD in 4K on a very large television will always be extremely great. It’ll just be a whole lot less cool. I’m sorry.